Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Michael Jackson’s funeral was held at midnight Thursday as brushfires raged in the background. What a mistake. If you’re going to scatter Michael Jackson’s ashes over the San Gabriel Mountains you wait until he stops burning before you do it.
The New York Yankees changed a Sunday night game in late September to a day game because Yom Kippur starts at sundown. It’s the holiest day on the Jewish calendar. The Cubs played a double-header on Yom Kippur 100 years ago and you know the rest.
Chicago Mayor Richard Daley saw a list of the city’s crack houses Thursday and noticed that his press secretary owns one of the buildings. Politics is a tough racket. The press secretary had to evict his only tenant who pays on time and in cash.
Teddy Kennedy’s memoirs were excerpted in the New York Times Thursday, where he wrote about how the Green Bay Packers scouted him as a football player. His life would have been so different. He would have derailed his career by driving into Lake Superior.
Labor Day picnics were held across the Midwest by labor unions today. The day is intended to give working people a chance to forget about the problems of the world and to enjoy an afternoon with nothing to do. It’s like being vice president for a day.
Michael Vick’s NFL suspension was reduced to two games Friday. No one is that mad anymore. With people biting off each other’s fingers over health care reform, dogfights now look like a halfway house for people who want to quit town hall meetings.
New York City College hired former governor Eliot Spitzer to teach a course on government and politics Thursday. They’re paying him $4,500. The salary’s non-negotiable, $4,500 is the going rate for clunkers.
Barack Obama’s desire to address schoolchildren Tuesday ran into fierce opposition from parents. Opponents say it promotes a cult of personality and said they’ll keep their children out of school tomorrow. Republicans are calling it Take Our Children to Golf Day.
Sarah Palin makes a paid speech to an investment group in Hong Kong this month. While she’s traveling all over the world, her estranged husband is at home coping with family chaos. It shows that life imitates art, but more often it imitates Jon and Kate.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.7.09

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