Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Air Force hero Paul Tibbits died Thursday, sixty-two years after he dropped the first atomic bomb on Hiroshima. It was a real setback for the Bush administration. An experienced hand like this will really be missed when the Iran policy gets rolling.
State Department foreign service officers erupted in revolt Wednesday when they heard they may be ordered to serve in Iraq or lose their jobs. These diplomats do not belong there. If we want to win the war in Iraq we should send the Postal Workers.
Malibu brushfires finally subsided Thursday after burning up the hills for ten days. Actors, record company owners and agents returned to their homes as soon as the road opened. Scam artists are always the first to show up after a natural disaster.
American Gangster opened Friday, telling the true story of a Harlem drug lord in the Seventies. He was arrested with forty million dollars cash in his apartment. Inflation was so bad back then that it was only enough money to buy a six-pack of Coors and a pizza.
The Screen Writers Guild walked out on labor talks with producers in Hollywood Wednesday. The screenwriting business is tough. It’s sometimes hard to figure out if you are on strike or whether you have been thrown out of work by reality shows.
The Los Angeles Dodgers hired Joe Torre as manager Thursday after the team got a waiver to bypass the rule requiring clubs to interview at least one minority for the job. The waiver really wasn’t necessary. White males are a minority in Los Angeles.
Don Imus announced Thursday he will return to the air on ABC Radio beginning in early December. Even civil rights leaders are glad his show is back. The moment Don Imus was taken off the air, nooses started turning up everywhere to fill the void.
Rudy Giuliani again told a crowd Friday how tough he is on terrorism. It never ends. If only the World Trade Center attacks had occurred on the eleventh of July instead of September, 7-Eleven would get a free plug every time Rudy opened his mouth.
Hillary Clinton gave a pep talk to her alma mater Wellesley College Friday. The campus is reeling from the news that a Wellesley student was arrested for trying to stab her boyfriend to death. Not every Wellesley student is as forgiving as Hillary.
President Bush compared Iran’s president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to Adolf Hitler on Thursday. That’s silly. There’s been a Broadway musical about Adolf Hitler but there could never be one about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad because there are no homosexuals in Iran.
President Bush accused Congress Thursday of threatening the nation’s safety by listening to war critics. It fooled no one. He’s played the fear card so many times that the corners are bent and you can see from across the table that it’s in his hand.
President Bush said Thursday he may leave the post of Attorney General vacant if the Senate is going to judge nominees so strictly over the question of whether waterboarding is torture. Everybody knows what’s torture. Torture is having to listen to a weekly debate over whether Gilligan should be replaced by Evita or Mussolini.
Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills McCartney remained fifty million dollars apart in their divorce talks Wednesday. When he wrote When I’m Sixty-Four, he never thought that what he would be doing at age sixty-four would be negotiating alimony with a wife who turned out to be a call girl and a nude model. Life comes at you fast.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.05.07

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