Argus Hamilton
Posted: Thursday, September 10, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? President Obama laid out a health care plan for Congress Wednesday. It creates a huge bureaucracy and still doesn’t cover everybody. Democrats approach health care the way the Amish go hunting, they sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it. The Lingerie Football League began Sunday when girls of the Miami Bliss played the Chicago Caliente. It aired on Pay-per-View. The sight of Indians in war dress standing on the sideline doesn’t make sense until you see them go into the rain dance. Citi Field has been plagued with cracks and plumbing and wiring problems since the New York Mets opened their new ballpark. Chunks of concrete just fell from the upper deck onto seats below. The team announced that for the rest of the season every night is Helmet Night. Dutch royals visited New York Tuesday to mark four hundred years since New York was discovered by Henry Hudson. The colonies sprang up instantly. It’s a reminder to everyone that America enjoyed its greatest growth when it was an offshore tax haven. Queen Victoria’s bloomers went on display in London Tuesday. When young she had a tiny waist, but the bloomers have a sixty-inch waist. That’s why in America we force our presidents to leave office after eight years before the pastry chef can kill them. Cash for Gold parties broke out nationwide Tuesday after gold prices spiked to a thousand dollars an ounce. Some people are getting rich. The White House pay czar just declared that jewel thieves should do the moral thing and give back their bonuses. Michael Vick spoke to a high school class in Philadelphia Tuesday. It’s part of his community service. Earlier that day President Obama had urged schoolchildren to always do the right thing, and Mike Vick was invited to give the opposition response. President Obama gave the nation’s schoolchildren a heart-rending speech Tuesday about his own rough childhood. it was a reworking of his campaign speech two years ago, but the kids didn’t know it. If you can’t write new jokes, find younger audiences. White House adviser Van Jones quit Sunday after accusing the U.S. of imperialism and boasting that he’s a Marxist. He won’t be forgotten. He was only in office seven months and already there is a sewage plant named after him at the Wharton Business School. President Obama will get to be the first U.S. president to chair the U.N. Security Council this fall. He could be forced to mediate a dispute over Israeli settlements in the West Bank. If he sides with the Palestinians it could cost him re-election, and if he sides with the Israelis, Osama bin Laden will release his birth certificate. Los Angeles firefighters leaped to safety when a sinkhole swallowed a fire truck Tuesday after a water main burst and flooded a suburb. Every homeowner got fined. Under water rationing, you’re only allowed to water your lawn on Mondays and Thursdays. Senator Harry Reid emerged from the Oval Office Tuesday saying the health care bill was ninety percent of the way there. How familiar. At the conclusion of every Middle East peace conference they say both sides are ninety percent of the way there, they’ve agreed on everything except borders, Jerusalem and Israel’s right to exist. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 9.10.09
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Argus Hamilton
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