Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Egypt unveiled King Tut’s body for the first time on Sunday at his tomb on the Nile. The boy pharaoh still commands awe and respect after three thousand years. The State Department just asked if he could be propped up and placed in charge of Iraq.
Dog the Bounty Hunter lost his television show Wednesday after he was secretly tape-recorded using racist language. His son taped him and sold it to the National Enquirer. It’s heartwarming to see a kid turn somebody in for money just like his dad.
Navy defeated Notre Dame Saturday for the first time in forty-three years. The players all watched the scoreboard nervously. If the price of oil hit one hundred dollars per barrel, everybody on the Navy team had to leave for the Straits of Hormuz.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger startled listeners last week when he ad-libbed that marijuana is not a drug, it’s a leaf. It caused widespread dismay. The writers weren’t even on strike yet and already the actors didn’t know what to say.
Pakistani leader General Pervez Musharraf declared a state of emergency Sunday and suspended the constitution, and he plans to rule by personal decree. You could see it coming. The democracy experiment is going so well in Iraq that Stalin is hot again.
Fred Thompson learned Sunday his campaign co-chairman Philip Martin sold pot and cocaine many years ago. The candidate has been using the businessman’s private jet instead of flying commercial. Now the vexing question for Fred Thompson is, what’s for lunch?
NASA celebrated Sunday when an astronaut heroically risked his life on a space walk to repair the space station solar panels. Now he’s got real problems. Already two female astronauts are driving from Texas to Florida in diapers to congratulate him.
The Weather Channel showed Boston residents cleaning up Sunday after Hurricane Noel skirted by the city. The clean-up was over in a jiffy. Hours after the storm passed, President Bush was standing on a street corner in New Orleans offering to help.
Hillary Clinton denied Sunday she is secretive about her past work on health care reform. She said people don’t understand how the National Archives handles their documents. The public can see everything once they get Sandy Berger’s pants off.
Dick Cheney told a crowd Saturday that Peru deserves better leadership than Hugo Chavez, but Hugo Chavez is the president of Venezuela, not Peru. He’s so confused. Republicans go after oil countries, it’s the Democrats who go after cocaine countries.
The Price is Right host Drew Carey made an Internet video last week calling for the legalization of medical marijuana. He’s doing it for the ratings. Glaucoma keeps the viewers from seeing if the arrow on the wheel is pointing to sixty cents or a dollar.
Oklahoma’s new law cracking down on illegal aliens survived court challenges and went into effect last week. It’s hugely popular. Mexicans will never be fully accepted in the South until they learn how to use their hands when they play football.
The Pentagon conceded Tuesday the main reason Baghdad is less violent recently is because neighborhoods throughout the city have forcefully segregated themselves by ethnic group. You know things are insane when the Mississippi National Guard is patrolling the streets enforcing segregation. It is like they died and went to heaven.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.06.07

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