Argus Hamilton
Posted: Tuesday, September 15, 2009 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Gertrude Baines died in Southern California Thursday at 115 years of age. She died of what was described as natural causes in Los Angeles. She was shot to death trying to be the third car to turn left on a red light. NASA ordered the space shuttle to land in Southern California Friday, resulting in two sonic booms over Los Angeles. People barely noticed. Once you’ve paid $800,000 for a 1,400-square-foot house, nothing scares you. New York Yankees star Derek Jeter broke Lou Gehrig’s record for most hits last week. The two men invite comparison. When Lou Gehrig said he was the luckiest man on the face of the earth, he’d never seen Derek Jeter enter a bar on Girls’ Night Out. Erin Andrews denied to Oprah Winfrey she staged that peephole video of herself in a hotel room that’s all over the Internet. Oprah suspects it was a publicity stunt. She’s an expert on the behavior of women who have been dieting and just hit their target weight. Iraq will free the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush last fall. He started a craze. Since Barack Obama became president so many Republicans have thrown their shoes at the TV set that sales of flat-screens may save the economy. GOP Congressman Joe Wilson became a GOP star Wednesday when he called President Obama a liar. That’s all it takes to be a star in the reality TV era. The Actors Studio in New York just announced they’re going to start offering classes in invective. Tea Party protesters marched on the U.S. Capitol by the thousands Saturday where they protested bailouts, health reform and deficits. They want limited government, low taxes and liberty. Pigeons landed on them thinking they were the Founding Fathers. President Obama addressed the nation Monday on the anniversary of the collapse of Lehman Brothers. He’s really reaching. It’s just not true that if either one of the Lehman Brothers had had government health insurance they would not have collapsed. President Obama went on CBS’s 60 Minutes for his fifth appearance in a week. His TV ratings have gotten as low as his approval ratings. Bill Clinton was the first president to be impeached and Barack Obama could be the first president to be canceled. Barack Obama told CBS’s 60 Minutes Sunday he will own the health care bill if he signs it into law. What a capitalist. No Democrat has owned two car companies, three banks, an insurance company and the health care industry since Joe Kennedy died. President Obama gave a speech on health care reform in Minneapolis Saturday. He was accompanied by Al Franken. Any time you advocate free drugs for everybody you can always count on the full support of the original cast of NBC’s Saturday Night Live. Palestinians protested Israel’s decision to build more houses in the West Bank on Friday. It’s a never ending cycle. Palestinians throw rocks at Israeli soldiers who retaliate by blowing up their houses, which just gives the Palestinians more rocks. North Korea was believed to be preparing another nuclear bomb test Saturday as satellite photos showed delivery trucks near three detonation sites. No one can tell the real warheads from the dummies. Once they are in office, they all look alike. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 9.15.09
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Argus Hamilton
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