Argus Hamilton on NWTNTODAY.COM

ELK CITY--God bless America, and how’s everybody? President Obama went on David Letterman’s show Monday after five shows Sunday. He is spending way too much time in front of TV cameras. Every time the red light goes on he pitches health care reform and the cross traffic can’t get through the intersection. Jerry Jones refused to raise the video board over Cowboys Stadium Sunday. It’s like the teams are playing under a huge microscope. The Cowboys’ center was pulled in the third quarter when a gastroenterologist in the upper deck was able to diagnose polyps. Nigeria’s government banned any movie theaters in Nigeria from showing the box office hit District 9 on Friday. The government says the movie depicts Nigerians as gangsters and cannibals. Anyone caught watching the movie will be killed and eaten. Tina Fey won an Emmy Sunday for her Sarah Palin impersonations on Saturday Night Live. The Alaskan is a great source of laughter, TV ratings and Emmys, while no one is allowed to kid President Obama. When Hollywood supported Obama over Sarah Palin it was the worst professional decision since Pamela Anderson got breast reduction surgery. Los Angeles Animal Control trapped and killed sixteen coyotes in Griffith Park last weekend after hundreds of complaints. They were wreaking havoc in the park. First they chewed up the marijuana plants and then they tried to eat the sports cars. Michelle Obama was reported Monday to have persuaded Barack last summer not to make Hillary his vice president by saying she didn’t want Bill and Hillary down the hall. She regrets it today. Now when there’s a stain on the rug, everybody blames her dog. George W. Bush’s speechwriter released a tell-all book Monday in which he quoted Bush last year referring to Barack Obama as a cat without a clue. Speechwriters are so condescending. They wrote for President Bush as if all he could read was Dr. Seuss. Cal Berkeley this semester opened the Center for the Comparative Study of Right Wing Movements. They see the next election coming. If there’s one thing they know in the academic world, it’s how to pander to the people who approve the grant proposals. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton rang the opening bell of the New York Stock Exchange Monday and got a huge ovation from traders. Her market savvy is legendary. She once made a killing in cattle futures, and she bought Bill Clinton at twenty-seven. President Obama will host a world leaders summit in Pittsburgh Thursday. They plan to crack down hard on what they call tax-haven countries. The untold story about Gilligan’s Island is that the millionaire bribed the skipper to take them there. GOP Congressman John Boehner declared health care reform dead Sunday. He urged everybody to work on legislation that everybody can agree on. By the time health care reform is finished being amended by Congress, it’ll be a missile defense system in Poland. U.S. prosecutors charged three al-Qaeda suspects in New York Monday after agents intercepted a Muslim’s text message to two other Muslims that the wedding cake was ready, believing it was a coded attack order. You can tell that police have high divorce rates. Every time they hear the word wedding, they just assume a disaster’s imminent. The White House was asked by seven former CIA directors to halt the Department of Justice torture investigation of the CIA. We’re dealing with well-conditioned enemy combatants. When baby boys are born in the Middle East, the doctor slaps their bottom and then he pours water over their heads for a year and a half until they talk. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 9.24.09