HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Beatles sold 2 1/2 million albums last week with their re-mastered tracks. The royalties are pouring in. If Lou Gehrig was giving his farewell speech today he would say he’s the luckiest man on the face of the earth next to Ringo Starr.
New York Yankee star Derek Jeter got a huge ovation in Los Angeles Monday from Angels fans in the wake of his career milestone last week. He passed Lou Gehrig on the all-time number of hits list. Only John Gotti had more career hits in New York.
Homeland Security warned Americans Tuesday to be on the lookout for terrorists in public places. They’re believed to have hydrogen peroxide bombs. If one of them goes off it could make Fox News anchors out of every woman within a four-block radius.
Save the Boobs is a hilarious new ad campaign for breast cancer awareness. The ads spoof male fixation on women’s breasts. It’s a message that women shouldn’t wait to have a job interview with Bill Clinton or Arnold Schwarzenegger to get checked.
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford’s estranged wife Jenny signed a book deal Monday. It’s an inspirational memoir. It will show women that the secret to self-esteem if your husband cheats on you is to be the wealthy one in the relationship.
The Senate Finance Committee opened the health care bill to amendments Tuesday after support for public coverage collapsed. The bill drew 500 amendments. An Alaska senator proposed covering an Operation to Nowhere, but the war funding bill already does that.
The White House said Monday the U.S. may expand drone attacks into Pakistan. The drones are firing missiles by remote control from a trailer in Nevada. The trailers are in Nevada because it’s the only one of the 50 states that’s never had a tornado.
The Emmy Awards Show in Hollywood Sunday drew much higher viewer ratings than last year’s telecast. However the evening drew fire from the NAACP for being an all-white show. They cut all the musical numbers and replaced them with tea party protests.
California reported a drop in foreign-born residents Monday for the first time in 30 years. It’s no secret why. The legalization of pot and cocaine in Mexico presents more entrepreneurial opportunities than the typical sharecropping deal in Fresno.
President Obama addressed the Clinton Global Initiative on Tuesday. He praised the former president for saving millions of lives since leaving office. Once he was out of politics he called off the hits on women who were ready to testify against him.
President Obama pressured Israeli and Palestinian leaders at the U.N. Tuesday to shake hands and resume peace talks. They seemed irritated by Obama’s impatience. A president who thinks he’s Jesus has no particular sway with either of these parties.
President Obama grated on Israeli sensibilities Tuesday by calling upon Israel and Palestine to live side by side. Every time he says the word Palestine, he loses fifty thousand Jewish votes. It’s worse than telling a Hitler joke the wrong way.
The White House floated the idea of bailing out newspapers if they re-organize as non-profits, which would make them indebted to the government for their survival. Here’s an example of the jokes you’ll read here if that happens. The president is a genius and a sex symbol but what’s important is that he’s right about everything.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.25.09HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Beatles sold 2 1/2 million albums last week with their re-mastered tracks. The royalties are pouring in. If Lou Gehrig was giving his farewell speech today he would say he’s the luckiest man on the face of the earth next to Ringo Starr.
New York Yankee star Derek Jeter got a huge ovation in Los Angeles Monday from Angels fans in the wake of his career milestone last week. He passed Lou Gehrig on the all-time number of hits list. Only John Gotti had more career hits in New York.
Homeland Security warned Americans Tuesday to be on the lookout for terrorists in public places. They’re believed to have hydrogen peroxide bombs. If one of them goes off it could make Fox News anchors out of every woman within a four-block radius.
Save the Boobs is a hilarious new ad campaign for breast cancer awareness. The ads spoof male fixation on women’s breasts. It’s a message that women shouldn’t wait to have a job interview with Bill Clinton or Arnold Schwarzenegger to get checked.
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford’s estranged wife Jenny signed a book deal Monday. It’s an inspirational memoir. It will show women that the secret to self-esteem if your husband cheats on you is to be the wealthy one in the relationship.
The Senate Finance Committee opened the health care bill to amendments Tuesday after support for public coverage collapsed. The bill drew 500 amendments. An Alaska senator proposed covering an Operation to Nowhere, but the war funding bill already does that.
The White House said Monday the U.S. may expand drone attacks into Pakistan. The drones are firing missiles by remote control from a trailer in Nevada. The trailers are in Nevada because it’s the only one of the 50 states that’s never had a tornado.
The Emmy Awards Show in Hollywood Sunday drew much higher viewer ratings than last year’s telecast. However the evening drew fire from the NAACP for being an all-white show. They cut all the musical numbers and replaced them with tea party protests.
California reported a drop in foreign-born residents Monday for the first time in 30 years. It’s no secret why. The legalization of pot and cocaine in Mexico presents more entrepreneurial opportunities than the typical sharecropping deal in Fresno.
President Obama addressed the Clinton Global Initiative on Tuesday. He praised the former president for saving millions of lives since leaving office. Once he was out of politics he called off the hits on women who were ready to testify against him.
President Obama pressured Israeli and Palestinian leaders at the U.N. Tuesday to shake hands and resume peace talks. They seemed irritated by Obama’s impatience. A president who thinks he’s Jesus has no particular sway with either of these parties.
President Obama grated on Israeli sensibilities Tuesday by calling upon Israel and Palestine to live side by side. Every time he says the word Palestine, he loses fifty thousand Jewish votes. It’s worse than telling a Hitler joke the wrong way.
The White House floated the idea of bailing out newspapers if they re-organize as non-profits, which would make them indebted to the government for their survival. Here’s an example of the jokes you’ll read here if that happens. The president is a genius and a sex symbol but what’s important is that he’s right about everything.
———
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.25.09