Posted: Tuesday, September 29, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Florida Gators star Tim Tebow flew separately Saturday when college teams broke out in the flu. It makes you feel like you’re dying. It made for the most inspiring halftime speeches in the locker room since Ronald Reagan retired from Warner Brothers.
Michael Jackson praised Adolf Hitler as a great showman in audiotapes released Friday. He said he could have healed Hitler with love and kindness. No one in Hollywood wants to know how he deduced this but everybody wants to know where he bought his pot.
The L.A. Dodgers team bus was stopped twenty times in Pittsburgh Thursday due to President Obama’s summit motorcade. They all drove into town together. Every time the president thought of a new line he stopped the team bus to try it out on them.
The White House said swine flu vaccines will be in doctors’ offices Monday. Many parents are refusing to have their kids vaccinated. They’re afraid the kids will walk out of the doctor’s office clapping their hands and chanting Barack Hussein Obama.
Republican Party leaders convened in a resort hotel in Michigan Saturday. They planned their comeback. ACORN sent in undercover journalists dressed as a pimp and a hooker to expose their devious plans and they made six thousand dollars in two hours.
Iran agreed Saturday to let U.N. inspectors inspect its once-concealed underground reactors. Their very survival is at stake. Iran knows that in America the only way a president can improve his approval ratings is to have an affair or invade a country.
President Obama refused Friday to commit to more troops or a draw-down in Afghanistan. He’s not ready to address it yet. He believes we must show great patience on Afghanistan, however we must hurry up on health care reform because people are dying.
The PGA Tour awarded the ten million dollar prize for the FedEx Cup Sunday. It looks bleak. At the rate the tour is losing corporate sponsors due to bankruptcies, next year’s tournaments may all be sponsored by the U.S. Marshals Service and Yale Locks.
Meg Whitman launched her campaign for the Republican nomination for California governor Thursday in Sacramento. The social conservative became a billionaire as the CEO of eBay. So when she sells the state parks someone’s going to get a good deal.
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke told Congress last week the recovery is likely to be a jobless recovery. No one’s going out and spending money. Restaurants are so empty that the owners are trying to return them to a recycling center just for the deposit.
The International Cycling Union banned two-way wrist radios in races Saturday. The radios let players know of tricky turns, crashes ahead and slick road spots. The sport still can’t get a TV deal until they eliminate helmets and dismantle the brakes.
Al-Qaeda suspect Najibullah Zazi will be indicted Tuesday for plotting to bomb New York. He was deeply embedded. Terrorists are trained to eat bacon, drink beer and frequent strip bars so Americans will think they’re nothing worse than Methodists.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.29.09