Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Poland’s legislature passed a bill Monday which makes castration mandatory for men who are convicted of having sex with underage girls. Worldwide reaction was swift. Roman Polanski just announced that he would like to be extradited to California.
Roman Polanski was arrested in Switzerland on a U.S. fugitive warrant Monday. He was in Zurich to get a lifetime achievement award. The director could face charges in Los Angeles of having sex with a minor and not casting her in the role as promised.
Roman Polanski stated in his L.A. trial back in the Seventies he had sex with an underage girl at Jack Nicholson’s house. He didn’t have to plead guilty. At the time the house was high enough to be outside the territorial boundary of the United States.
Lincoln Legends is a new book by Edward Steers that investigates all the myths about Honest Abe. It finds he wasn’t baptized, never went to church or professed a belief in Christ. Today James Dobson would call Abe Lincoln a Republican in name only.
The Detroit Lions beat the Washington Redskins Sunday, ending their nineteen-game losing streak. How’d the bookies miss this? Ever since President Obama took office Washington will give Detroit anything they want just to please the United Autoworkers.
Iran test-fired missiles Monday which the Pentagon said are capable of hitting Israel or eighty U.S. military bases in the Middle East. This says a lot. If there were eighty U.S. bases protecting Duracell you’d know we were serious about the electric car.
Iran alarmed Israel Monday by test-firing medium range missiles and conducting infantry war games in the desert on the holiest day of the Jewish calendar, Yom Kippur. Israel would never knock out Iran on Yom Kippur. It’s already a Jewish holiday.
Moammar Khadaffi urged a summit of South American and African leaders Monday to form a military alliance. They met on Margarita Island in Venezuela. They held it there because Sex on the Beach Island was already booked by an insurance industry convention.
Bill Clinton told David Gregory on NBC’s Meet the Press Sunday he still believes in the existence of a vast right-wing conspiracy which hounded his presidency. It’s true that dark forces conspired to defeat his agenda. Doctors call them hormones.
President Obama will fly to Copenhagen this week to lobby the IOC on behalf of Chicago’s bid to get the Olympics. Chicagoans would love for the Olympic games to be held in the president’s hometown. They don’t care if it’s Honolulu, Jakarta or Nairobi.
White House press secretary Robert Gibbs declared Monday that President Obama is able to go abroad Thursday due to progress on health care reform. He said health care reform is in a much better place. That’s exactly how you comfort children when their dog dies.
President Obama told the U.N. General Assembly that if they take issue with America’s character or America’s past deeds, they should look at the progress we’ve made in the last nine months. It makes you wonder what might have been. If Barack Obama had just a little more basketball talent he might have broken Michael Jordan’s record for self-obsession.
Senate Finance Committee members Jay Rockefeller and Chuck Schumer said Monday they will demand a public option in the health care bill. They are the Senate’s leading progressives. Liberals live in a parallel universe where the difference between a scandal and a civil right is whether a Republican or a Democrat is caught doing it.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.30.09

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