Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama flew to Copenhagen Thursday to lobby for Chicago’s bid to host the 2016 Summer Olympics at the IOC meeting in Denmark. The country is legendary for its health care system. Lassie once went to Denmark and came back a cat.
Arnold Palmer received a Congressional Gold Medal from President Obama Tuesday at a White House ceremony. Afterwards the president asked him for a lesson. Arnold Palmer told President Obama to stay off television because it increases your mystique.
The South Pacific and the Indian Ocean were hit by massive earthquakes Tuesday, triggering tsunami waves. They rolled into Hawaii, Indonesia and East Africa. Somebody up there really doesn’t want President Obama’s birth certificate ever to be found.
Los Angeles braced for a huge wave after Pacific Ocean quakes Tuesday. It drew thousands of onlookers to the piers. Los Angeles weathermen warned people to make a viewer out of a shoebox because looking directly at a tsunami could make you go blind.
Global Research polled fifteen thousand women Tuesday to rate men as lovers by nationality. The best lovers are Spanish men, followed by Brazilian men and then by Italian men. This just proves that once your empire has fallen you can take your time.
Hollywood celebrities petitioned Monday for statutory rape charges to be dropped against director Roman Polanski. Everyone else wants him jailed. It shows there’s a great moral divide between people who want to sell a screenplay and people who don’t.
Al-Qaeda’s Abdullah Asieri detonated a bomb hidden in his rectum last month when he tried to kill a Saudi prince but failed. It calls for an overhaul of security procedures. These days a ruler can’t tell who his friends are until somebody moons him.
Majority Leader Harry Reid canceled the October recess Wednesday saying he wanted the U.S. Senate to finish health care reform. He’s not looking at the polls. He wants the U.S. Senate to finish health care reform and it’s going to be the other way around.
The Senate Finance Committee fenced over health care reform Tuesday, squabbling over coverage for illegal aliens, whether or not to cover abortions and whether to have a public option, without getting any agreement. It’s all theater. This bill is a dead body in the middle of the room and no one wants their fingerprints on the knife.
Cirque du Soleil head Guy Laliberte took off on a Russian rocket to the Space Station Wednesday. He paid thirty-five million dollars for a nine-day stay. Don’t worry, if anybody books it for less, Orbitz will him send him a check for the difference.
The National Science Foundation staff was busted Tuesday for browsing Internet porn sites three to four hours a day at work. They make sure taxpayer money is not wasted. They are compiling a complete database on whose are real and whose are fake.
Iranian officials and U.S. diplomats will meet in Geneva Thursday to negotiate over Iran’s nuclear weapons program. The Iranians don’t need to build their own nuclear weapons, they can purchase them on the thriving black market. It just shows how superbly capitalism works whenever it’s not weighed down by subsidies for the poor.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.02.09

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