By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Screen Writers Guild walked out on strike Monday, shutting down television production. The late-night comedians are off the air. Things couldn’t have worked out any more nicely for President Bush if he’d been the general in charge of Pakistan.
The Indianapolis Colts may have piped in fake crowd noise through the RCA Dome speakers in Sunday’s game against New England. Tom Brady said he didn’t notice. To get Tom Brady’s attention they’d have to play a tape of a supermodel vomiting in the bathroom.
The Los Angeles Dodgers introduced Joe Torre to reporters as the team’s manager at Dodger Stadium on Monday. A tremendous crowd turned up to witness the press conference. There are fifty thousand wildfire evacuees living on the loge level alone.
Abe Lincoln’s new biography says Lincoln once visited a five-dollar hooker in Springfield. However, all he had was two dollars. He never carried a five-dollar bill because whenever people saw his picture on it they thought it was joke currency.
USA Today quoted evangelicals Monday who said Hillary Clinton’s Methodism isn’t Christian enough. The contempt is mutual. Whenever a Methodist sees evangelicals praying with their arms in the air they think Jesus must have just scored a touchdown.
American Gangster was a box-office hit Sunday. It’s the true story of a Harlem drug dealer. No one wants to say Americans want to learn how to get rich selling drugs now that real estate has crashed, but the movie was produced by the Learning Annex.
Fred Thompson’s campaign chairman stepped down Monday when old pot and cocaine and bookmaking charges surfaced. You know the story. It starts out with one drink and the next thing you know, you’re telling Fred Thompson he’d make a great president.
Pakistan’s dictator Pervez Musharraf declared martial law in Pakistan Sunday. He has suspended the nation’s constitution and canceled the next election. It’s nice to see that Karl Rove and Alberto Gonzales were able to find consulting work somewhere.
Condi Rice denounced General Pervez Musharraf for his crackdown in Pakistan on Monday. The same day, President Bush defended Musharraf as a strong fighter against radicals. This was enough to convince the tabloids they’re no longer seeing each other.
President Bush met on Monday with Turkey’s prime minister to discuss the tense situation on Turkey’s border with Iraq. It’s obvious what’s going on. President Bush is operating an intern program for people who want to invade Iraq for college credit.
President Bush vowed Sunday that his cabinet nominees will never testify about waterboarding. He knows it doesn’t work. After six years of torturing English, the language still won’t tell President Bush anything but its name, rank and serial number.
Rudy Giuliani on Monday defended the record of his police commissioner Bernard Kerik, who kept love nests for mistresses near Ground Zero. Every American has been called on to sacrifice. We are a nation at war with monogamy.
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg’s political advisor said Monday the mayor would spend a billion dollars of his own money on an independent White House run. His entry wouldn’t change the outcome. As a billionaire conservative he’d take votes from Republicans and as an admitted sexual harasser he would take donors from the Clintons.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.Published in The Messenger 11.07.07