Posted: Tuesday, October 6, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Rio de Janeiro broke out into a huge street celebration Thursday when Brazil’s seaside resort won the Olympic Games. Women danced topless as their leader wiped away his tears on television. It looked like Casual Friday in Dave Letterman’s office.
David Letterman admitted on the air on Thursday that he has slept with women who work for him on the show. The confession of personal problems got huge TV ratings. Right now David Letterman is huddling with his advisers to develop a drinking problem.
CBS News producer Joe Halderman was arraigned for blackmailing David Letterman over his workplace harem. Others may still be charged. The Manhattan D.A. plans to prosecute anybody who holds comedians to the same standard as politicians and pastors.
Al-Qaeda set off a bomb in the Saudi royal palace last month which was hidden inside a suicide bomber’s rectum. They say a reporter’s greatest responsibility is to shine a light on dark places. That’s about to apply to airport screeners as well.
The London Telegraph reported Saturday that Iran’s president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is secretly Jewish, because his family name was Sabourjian, a Jewish name meaning cloth weaver. Israel can’t believe their bad luck. The first Jew to have oil is anti-Semitic.
Tiger Woods was listed by Forbes Friday as the first athlete ever to amass one billion dollars in prize money and endorsement fees. He also married a beautiful Swedish blonde. Tiger Woods’s life is proof that beer commercials really do come true.
Chicago residents were stunned Friday after they heard they didn’t win the Olympics. The politicians are at a loss. They were going to sell the Olympic contracts for political donations and now all they’ve got to sell is Barack Obama’s Senate seat.
President Obama failed Friday to win over the IOC with his story of America’s diversity. He tried this fable in Denmark, ancestral home of the Normans and Saxons who conquered Britain a thousand years ago, later colonized America, and populate the U.S. today. Their idea of diversity is a dishwater blonde and a platinum blonde in the same Breck commercial.
President Obama returned home from Europe Friday to the news that the nation’s unemployment rate is nearly ten percent. He called the statistics sobering. The good news is, it’s not really a depression until Dancing with the Stars is a marathon.
Americans for Prosperity held its annual conference in Washington to lobby for low taxes and free trade Saturday. They were in a great mood. They didn’t know that back at their hotel President Obama’s trip to Copenhagen had been charged to their room.
California marijuana activists convened in San Francisco to push for legalization with a ballot initiative next year. It was fraught with problems the last time they attempted this. Every day the signature gatherers kept forgetting where they left the petitions.
The White House conceded Friday the climate change bill won’t pass this year. They want to pass a law requiring everyone to buy insurance and they want to pass a law requiring every business get government permission to use energy. Times are so tough that people can’t imagine how life could be more difficult, but Congress can.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 10.06.09