Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg angered civil libertarians by placing security cameras and license plate readers throughout Manhattan. How does this prevent terrorism? Photographing the rubble after it lands doesn’t help you find the hijacker.
Gennifer Flowers signed to star in a New York musical Tuesday. She was the first Bill Clinton sex scandal which launched a million Clinton jokes. Comedians are now frantically searching their files for those jokes and switching them to Letterman.
The New York Post reported that David Letterman has a secret bedroom above the stage of the CBS Ed Sullivan Theater. No one was allowed in the room except him and the female employees he invited. The sign on the door reads Promotions Department.
NFL Today reported Sunday that Rush Limbaugh heads a group that might purchase the St. Louis Rams. He’ll never hear the end of it. In addition to complaints that he wants President Obama to fail, he’s now going to be accused of owning black people.
The NFL Players Association said Monday it will start a program for financial education to help professional football players handle their money. This idea is long overdue. Everyone recognizes that the strippers have not been doing a good job.
Roman Polanski requested bail from a Swiss judge Monday as he awaits a hearing for extradition to the U.S. His lawyers are trying everything. Yesterday they said he merely did what he had to do to get her to confess the location of Osama bin Laden.
NBC’s Saturday Night Live made news Saturday by doing a sketch showing President Obama admitting he’s accomplished nothing. It’s ominous. Jerry Ford was the first president to learn that once you’ve lost Saturday Night Live, you’ve lost the country.
The U.S. Senate delayed the committee vote on the health care reform bill Monday because the CBO needs more time to figure out how much it will cost. If it adds to the deficit they must start over. They’d pay for it by seizing the oil in Iraq but they don’t want to give Dick Cheney credit for providing health care for the poor.
President Obama said Monday he hasn’t decided whether to send more U.S. soldiers to Afghanistan. He’d like to frame it as a humanitarian issue. The Afghan people haven’t been vaccinated against swine flu and we’re just the ones to stick it to them.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates ordered U.S. generals Monday to stop airing their views on Afghanistan publicly. You can imagine all the grumbling going on at the Pentagon. We’re trying to become the first foreign country in history to win a war in Afghanistan and we’ve got a president who can’t defeat Brazil for the Olympics.
Robert Redford was honored at the National Arts Awards Monday. His movie roles included a bank robber, a con man, and a reporter who brought down Nixon. For the last thirty years the Democratic nomination for president has been his for the asking.
The Roman Catholic Cathedral of St. Matthew the Apostle in Washington D.C. hosted six Supreme Court justices Sunday for Mass. The country just realized we have six Catholics on the Supreme Court. Across the nation, gay couples who booked orchestras and banquet halls when Barack Obama got elected are trying to get their deposits back.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.08.09

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