HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Rush Limbaugh confirmed reports Monday he wants to buy the St. Louis Rams. He’s thinking ahead. If President Obama is able to bring back the Fairness Doctrine and get him canceled, the stadium P.A. system will guarantee that he always has a microphone.
NASA sent a spacecraft to bomb the moon today by firing a rocket into a crater on the moon’s south pole. We’re looking for water. Farmers in Fresno financed the attack in an effort to try to find a water supply that doesn’t have any fish in it.
Chrissie Evert announced Monday she and PGA star Greg Norman will divorce. The excitement is building. Chrissie’s been married to an Englishman, an American and an Australian, and now she’s just a Frenchman short of the Grand Slam Thank You Ma’am.
David Letterman apologized on his show Monday for sleeping with women who work on the program. No one’s that mad at him. The Late Show is the only workplace in America that is routinely described as one of those parties that just got out of hand.
Roman Polanski’s bail request was denied by a Swiss judge Tuesday who ruled he is a flight risk. He’s showing signs of progress. He was accompanied by his wife of 14 years, which is a year older than the girl who got him in all the trouble.
Tom DeLay danced the samba with a half-naked partner and with a sequined elephant on his shirt on Dancing with the Stars Monday. He didn’t win first place but he didn’t go home empty-handed. The Log Cabin Republicans just named him an honorary homosexual.
NBC’s Saturday Night Live made news Saturday by doing a sketch showing President Obama admitting he’s accomplished nothing. His allies have begun deserting him. The Congressional Black Caucus released a statement pointing out that his mother is white.
Sen. John Ensign said Tuesday he arranged a lobbying job for his mistress’s husband. The guy wasn’t really pimping his wife. They were on their way to videotape a sting at the local ACORN office and they decided to stop by to see John Ensign.
President Obama pushed health care reform Monday surrounded by 150 doctors. It wasn’t easy for the president to lure 150 doctors to the White House. He had to tear out Michelle’s vegetable garden and put in a driving range.
George H.W. Bush opened up a wine exhibit at his presidential library on Tuesday saluting the culture of wine. He’s often asked how high you should be when you jump out of an airplane. Two bottles of wine in the space of an hour will usually do it.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Tuesday she is open to the idea of a new value-added tax that’s like a national sales tax. It would make everything more expensive in the middle of a recession. Nancy Pelosi must represent one of those kinky districts in San Francisco where the more you punish them the more they’ll pay to see you again.
President Obama spoke at the National Counter-terrorism Command Center Tuesday where he praised the staff for doing important work. Their identities are secret for everyone’s protection. It’s an idea the president picked up backstage at the Ed Sullivan Theater.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.09.09