Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Helen Keller was honored by Congress Thursday with a statue of her as a child in the Capitol. She couldn’t hear, she couldn’t see and she couldn’t say anything. She will stand just outside the Ethics Committee hearing room like a third base coach.
Dave Letterman apologized to his wife on the air Tuesday and said he would try to fix his marriage. He vowed that he will never have sex with a co-worker again. This is the kind of loophole Bill Clinton used to look for in the Book of Deuteronomy.
Rush Limbaugh admitted Monday that he’s trying to buy the St. Louis Rams of the National Football League. It’s logical. If you have $200 million and you want to be a dictator you have two choices, run for president or buy an NFL team.
All Nippon Air told passengers Tuesday to empty their bladders before boarding to lighten the airplane and save fuel. Let’s hope this doesn’t catch on. It just means more witnesses in the men’s room the next time Larry Craig wants to meet somebody.
Jesse Jackson blamed Chicago’s Olympics loss on the world’s hatred of George W. Bush. We’re still in Iraq and Afghanistan, we’re still in a recession and we still haven’t shut down Guantanamo. When the IOC considered the U.S. bid, they thought Bush was still president.
Tom DeLay said Tuesday he didn’t know if President Obama was born in the United States. He pointed out that the president would have to produce a birth certificate to play Little League baseball. What he didn’t say was that anyone can send a self-addressed stamped envelope to the Dominican Republic and get one back by return mail.
President Obama told Iraq’s president Jalal Talabani the U.S. remains committed to helping Iraq build its security and economy. The cooperation is excellent. The Iraqi president promised to give the U.S. tips on how to cut down on school violence in Chicago.
President Obama was advised by Democrats to exit Afghanistan and by Republicans to send more troops Tuesday. One road leads to surrender and humiliation while the other road leads to quagmire and humiliation. May we have the wisdom to choose wisely.
General Motors fired its executive in charge of sales last Wednesday following September’s plunge in GM car sales. Somebody had to take the fall. President Obama doesn’t want to be humiliated again when Los Angeles loses the auto show to Rio.
Michael Jordan served as an honorary captain at the President’s Cup matches in San Francisco this past week. He loves a friendly game of golf. Every year golf’s leading money winner is Tiger Woods, followed by whoever’s just played Michael Jordan.
Sen. John Ensign refused Tuesday to resign his office in the wake of his adultery scandal. It’s the fourth GOP sex scandal this year. Republicans have had so many sex scandals they are starting to attract a significant share of the independent vote.
The Justice Department said Thursday that 60 percent of U.S. children are exposed to violence in their lives every day. It’s a start. Winning the hearts and minds of the people in Afghanistan begins with turning our school districts over to warlords.
Sen. Russ Feingold began hearings on the constitutionality of all the White House czars who are not answerable to Congress. Sen. Feingold knows this story. It begins with bureaucrats who don’t answer to Congress and it ends with Cossacks riding on horses through Jewish neighborhoods setting people’s houses on fire.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.12.09

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