Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Pope Benedict named five saints Sunday including a Polish bishop and a Belgian missionary, a French nun and two Spanish monks. President Obama’s application was refused. The miracle of growing lettuce on the South Lawn was mostly Michelle’s doing.
The Pentagon loaded a missile onto a NASA launcher and bombed the moon’s south pole on Friday. The moon had it coming. Last week President Obama’s childhood home in Indonesia was flooded by high tides and he vowed that we will get whoever did this.
The Chicago Cubs filed for bankruptcy Monday to ease the team’s sale to TD Ameritrade founder Joe Ricketts. The broker hasn’t thought this through. The sale of the Cubs isn’t even final and already he’s being investigated by the SEC for losing on purpose.
The University of Michigan banned bags of all sizes from Michigan Stadium when reports surfaced of terror activity Monday. The terrorists must have gotten their instructional photos mixed up. Michigan is the After picture, not the Before picture.
Elvis Presley’s hair strands will be sold at a Chicago auction Saturday. Women are lining up. Many people think that one day science will be able to clone people from hair, and what could be a safer longterm financial plan than being Elvis’s mother.
Men’s Health magazine released a report Monday urging men to have an active sex life as they age. It says middle-aged men who have sex once a month are statistically less likely to die suddenly. However, the chances increase if their wives find out about it.
Roman Polanski’s lawyer said Sunday his client is depressed sitting in a Swiss jail awaiting transfer to Los Angeles. The world-renowned director needs a pardon from California’s governor, and California’s governor has a twenty-seven percent approval rating and needs his movie career back. This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
The Senate Finance Committee passed a health care bill Tuesday. The bill would tax health insurance policies, tax hospitals, tax insurance companies, tax medical device makers and fine anyone who doesn’t buy health insurance seven hundred dollars. Apparently Democrats have forgotten that we left England over a tax on playing cards.
President Obama met with Spain’s Prime Minister Zapatero at the White House Tuesday where they discussed Afghan strategy. The prime minister didn’t leave empty-handed. He took home Spain’s royalty check for America’s inquisition techniques at Guantanamo.
President Obama agreed Monday to give his million-and-a-half dollar Nobel Prize award to charity. He needed to give it away before it changed him. Three times his secretary walked into the Oval Office Monday and caught him listening to Rush Limbaugh.
Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill Tuesday designating Harvey Milk’s birthday a state holiday in California. It was a life cut short. He was gunned down by an assassin’s bullet in San Francisco with three years still left to go in the Seventies.
North Korea test-fired five missiles Monday, coinciding with the arrival of the aircraft carrier USS George Washington in South Korea. The George Washington will patrol the Sea of Japan for awhile. All the ships named after slave owners have to stay out of the president’s sight until the Republicans are back in the White House.
Hugo Chavez closed nine golf courses in Venezuela Monday, calling golf an imperialist pastime, as Cuba began building ten resort golf courses. Communists have a long and troubled relationship with golf. Half the East Germans who were shot going over the Berlin Wall were simply trying to recover a ball that had gone out of bounds.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.15.09

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