Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Osama bin Laden’s first wife Najwa bin Laden wrote a book about the al-Qaeda leader’s family and home life. She reveals that he was a very strict father to his son. If there was going to be a balloon, he’d better be in it, and it’d better hit a building.
Garth Brooks signed a deal with Steve Wynn Friday to perform at the Wynn Hotel in Las Vegas in the spectacular showroom. This show must be staged very carefully. When the audience starts firing their guns at the ceiling, it could kill the gymnasts.
Bernie Madoff was reportedly the top-selling Halloween mask Friday. That makes sense. He’s not the scariest costume but no one wants to trick-or-treat dressed as a sheriff because homeowners won’t open the door if they think they’re being evicted.
Major League Baseball had freezing playoff weather in New York and Philadelphia Sunday with a late-year World Series looming. It looks bleak. Joe Torre added one of Sarah Palin’s sled dogs to the roster in case they need a pinch runner in mid-November.
Rush Limbaugh accused the White House of seizing control of the NFL Friday. It could be true. The president is still angry that when he gave his last prime-time speech the only two media outlets that refused to air it were Fox and the NFL Network.
Harrods in London began offering twenty-seven pound gold bars for sale Thursday after gold hit a thousand dollars an ounce. Each gold bar sells for four hundred and sixty-two thousand dollars. Only Shaquille O’Neal gets more money per brick.
Homeland Security made plans Friday to use facial recognition technology at big sporting events. This facial recognition technology is used at casino entrances to keep out cheaters. If they used it at the U.S. Capitol they would never get a quorum.
Homeland Security stripped Phoenix sheriff Joe Arpaio of his authority to make street arrests of illegal aliens Friday. This means Texas and Arizona may secede from the union, and you have to add South Carolina because they don’t want to relinquish their title. Barack Obama wasn’t kidding when he billed himself as the next Abe Lincoln.
President Obama was in College Station Friday where former President George H.W. Bush welcomed him to the campus. They had a great time together. The two presidents compared recessions, then broke out into the usual male argument over whose is bigger.
President Obama flew to San Francisco on Thursday aboard Air Force One. As the plane headed west it had to fly into one hundred and forty mile an hour headwinds. Al Sharpton accused the wind of being racist for opposing President Obama’s progress.
President Obama attended a thirty-four-thousand-dollars-a-couple fundraiser at the St. Francis Hotel in San Francisco Thursday for the Democratic Party. It was surprising they were selling tickets by the couple in San Francisco. President Obama’s not in favor of same sex marriage but he has nothing against two-party checks.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.19.09

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