Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Colt McCoy hugged Sam Bradford before Texas beat Oklahoma on Saturday. He told ABC after the game he was sick with the flu. The only difference between war and college football is the Geneva Convention doesn’t ban germ warfare in college football.
Edwards Air Force Base held a spectacular air show in California Saturday. The aerial show drew two hundred thousand spectators. It normally doesn’t draw this well but they announced that all the planes were piloted by missing six-year-old boys.
L.A. Dodgers CEO Jamie McCourt said through her divorce lawyer Thursday the team is community property even though Frank McCourt is listed as owner. We know how this ends. The next series the Dodgers will be in will be called Jamie and Frank plus Nine.
Marina del Rey residents learned Friday a man sitting out on a high-rise condo balcony was dead and had been decomposing there for days. It all worked out. The money he won in the building’s Halloween decorating contest paid his funeral expenses.
Brigham Young scientists identified broken bones found in Utah Friday as the bones of small dinosaurs trampled on by larger dinosaurs. They all died off and formed the earth’s oil supply. Dick Cheney rented a motel room just to read the story.
The Treasury Department announced Friday the federal deficit neared a trillion and a half dollars as unemployment neared ten percent. Perceptions have greatly changed. Michael Jackson is looking less and less like a fool for taking hospital-grade anesthesia and more and more like a pioneer in the treatment of the Depression.
President Obama got roaring cheers from the audience at a Democratic dinner in San Francisco. He got great advice. Gallagher called and suggested he replace the TelePrompter with a silver balloon shaped like a flying saucer hovering over his head.
George H.W. Bush welcomed President Obama to his library at College Station. He owes them so much. Barack Obama would never have won the Nobel Peace Prize had the Bush family not enrolled us in the Invade a Country a Year program twenty years ago.
NASA showed photos of last weekend’s lunar missile shot which pierced the moon in search of water. The planners want everybody to be able to live on the moon someday. Until now it has been just another exclusive spot where white guys play golf.
President Obama accused insurance companies on Saturday of scheming to protect their profits. The industry may have underestimated him. Insurance companies never thought in this day and age that a smoker would live long enough to become president.
Ted Turner said Thursday he wants to buy back CNN and he admitted that selling the network nine years ago was a huge mistake. He had a reputation for workplace sexual harassment and high TV ratings. They go together like Letterman and Late Night.
The New York Yankees benched Irish tenor Ronan Tynan, who became famous for singing God Bless America at Yankee Stadium during the seventh inning stretch, after he made anti-Semitic remarks. What an absolute ingrate. If Irving Berlin hadn’t written God Bless America this guy would be in a dive on Seventh Avenue singing Dixie.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.20.09

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