Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Colorado police arrested Richard Heene for staging the Boy in the Balloon hoax with his family. There’s a moral to this story. If you want your kids to go into show business, make sure they know their lines before they go on the Larry King Show.
The White House called Fox News the propaganda arm of the Republican Party and declared war on the conservative network Sunday. You can see where this is going. After the purge trials there may be fewer Americans but they will be better Americans.
Target stores stirred up controversy Monday over their illegal alien Halloween costumes, which are selling out in the stores. Many people are absolutely outraged. First it’s free education and then it’s free health care and now they want free candy.
The Detroit Marathon was horribly marred Sunday when three runners died during the race in frigid weather. No place is perfect. The Los Angeles Marathon is always run in warm sunshine but we lose two or three runners a year to coyotes and French directors.
Rio de Janeiro television aired a spectacular gang shootout that killed twelve during a live newscast Sunday. A police chopper was shot down. The ratings were so good the Olympic Committee asked Rio if they could make helicopter downing a demonstration sport.
CBS sportscaster Jim Nantz cried in divorce court Friday when he testified how his wife wouldn’t let him hang an oil portrait of himself in the den. She had to put her foot down. She came back from a trip once to find a statue of him in the driveway.
Senator Harry Reid found himself trailing big in Nevada re-election polls. He said he was misunderstood when he called George Bush a loser. That’s a compliment in Nevada, where a loser gets free drinks, a free room and a free flight to Las Vegas.
Venezuela’s dictator Hugo Chavez seized a Hilton Hotel and Casino on Margarita Island Friday to develop tourism projects within the socialist framework. He will be sorry. Nothing contradicts the notion that everybody is equal like a topless beach.
President Obama urged young people to volunteer their time and volunteer their service for the benefit of others on Friday in Texas. He wants people to work for free. He’s given up on being the next Abe Lincoln and wants to be the next Jefferson Davis.
Nation of Islam’s Louis Farrakhan on Monday called prostate cancer a conspiracy to kill black men. He was discussing his three prostate operations and was angry. He just learned that airport security screeners aren’t qualified to perform this surgery.
Wall Street resumed handing out huge bonuses to investment bankers Friday when the Dow Jones passed ten thousand. Congress is just furious. They want to know why Wall Street profits are so high while their money under the table’s remained the same.
The White House announced Monday it won’t enforce federal laws against medical marijuana stores. The eight hundred stores in Los Angeles have become a real crime problem. The police don’t know what to do about the epidemic of driving too slow.
White House communications director Anita Dunn was videotaped telling a college crowd her favorite political philosopher is Mao Tse Tung, the founder of Communist China. She said she turns to him often. She just took the lead in the White House competition to see who can make the best Republican campaign commercial for next year.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.21.09

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