Posted: Thursday, October 22, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
House Ways and Means Chairman Charlie Rangel avoided efforts to dump him over ethics charges Monday. This is silly. Congress will launch a serious investigation into ethics violations just as soon as they can find a lobbyist who will pay them to do it.
Congress took the health care bill behind closed doors Monday to craft a final version. They must write the bill so that when it bankrupts the Treasury they will be able to say it was not their fault. Congress hasn’t admitted anything since Hawaii.
Congress voted Tuesday to permit the transfer of Guantanamo terror suspects to stand trial in the U.S. It only allows detainees to come to the U.S. if they are not a security risk. Half the guys there were flown to Guantanamo just to balance the plane.
President Obama declared war on the U.S. Chamber of Commerce Tuesday. He declared war on Fox News, the insurance industry and Wall Street the day before. Taliban fans are demanding to know how they dropped out of the top five without losing a game.
Governor Schwarzenegger signed a law allowing an NFL football stadium to be built in the City of Industry. It’s a factory strip. If Los Angeles were the world’s most beautiful woman, the City of Industry would be the tattoo on her that you didn’t know about.
Oprah Winfrey booked Sarah Palin on her show to help rebuild her ratings after her viewership crashed when she campaigned for Obama. Welfare reform changed everything. Today women with their afternoons free to watch television are all Republicans.
United Airlines pilots elected Captain Wendy Morse the first woman to head the airline’s pilots union Monday. She’s vowed to get laid-off pilots rehired. Right now they’re having to live on federal drink stamps until they can get back in the cockpit.
The Beatles Rock Band video game was reported Tuesday to have sold six hundred thousand units the first month alone. It’s evidence that older people are buying video games. By next Christmas the hottest new video game will be Grand Theft Tylenol.
President Obama offered to change U.S. policy on Sudan Tuesday if it will change its ways. Slavery is legal in Sudan but Obama didn’t call for its abolition. Rush Limbaugh was just barred from the NFL for the same position and he didn’t even take it.
Los Angeles Superior Court banned the closing down of medical marijuana stores by police and sheriffs Monday. There’s not a lot of supervision over who gets the drugs. One guy showed up with a note from his crack dealer ordering him to mellow out.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 10.22.09