Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Dick Cheney gave a speech Tuesday accusing President Obama of dithering in Afghanistan. The Pentagon has a strategy to get Obama to send troops. They’re trying to learn Photoshop so they can super-impose Glenn Beck’s picture over a map of Kabul.
Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt fired his wife Jamie McCourt as chief executive officer Thursday as divorce looms. Their marriage has been dissolving all season. Now we know why neither one of them criticized Manny Ramirez for cheating.
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said steroids have a place in sports to help athletes recover from injuries. It’s hard to see how steroids help NBA players recover from their injuries. Bullet wounds take a month to heal no matter what you do.
Pepsi removed its new cellphone application which promised to help men pick up women by posting the most successful pick-up lines in a running poll. It really backfired on Pepsi. Offering a girl some Coke was the top pick-up line in Los Angeles.
The U.S. asked Switzerland to hand over Roman Polanski to California authorities Friday. All the publicity is a reminder of life in the Seventies. Young people in Los Angeles had never heard of Quaaludes before and they didn’t realize what Michael Jackson was trying to recreate by mixing Zoloft and anesthetic in his cocktail shaker.
The Gulf of Aden was ranked the world’s most dangerous waterway on Friday after Somali pirates resumed action. It will remain the world’s most dangerous waterway until Iran attempts to close the Straits of Hormuz. Strength of schedule is everything.
Senator Lamar Alexander urged Barack Obama to drop his White House enemies list and ease up on his media opponents. He’s reminding every baby boomer of Nixon. It is only Hollywood’s ban on blackface that keeps Frank Langella from getting this part.
President Obama suffered the worst drop in job approval ratings in fifty years last week. He’s descended from eighty percent approval to fifty percent. The whole balloon flight was only intended to get him a reality show and he ended up president.
President Obama met with Iraq’s Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki Tuesday. He told the Iraqis that U.S. withdrawal is forthcoming. When Barack Obama announced he was running for president three years ago, he said he would have U.S. troops out of Iraq in thirty days, but people didn’t understand yet that he only talks in Biblical days.
The U.S. Navy tested two new superfast battleships for speed Thursday which made sixty miles an hour off the coast of Maine. They kicked up a wake that looked like a tsunami. The White House forgot the Bush family goes back to Houston every Labor Day.
Northwest Airlines was red-faced Friday after pilots on one flight overshot Minneapolis by one hundred fifty miles before circling and landing. The pilots may have gone to sleep. At least when they’re drinking on the job the flight attendant comes into the cockpit every twenty minutes to refill their glasses and make sure they’re awake.
Wall Street slipped Friday on news of continued high unemployment, which reached twelve percent in Los Angeles County. It’s a chronic condition nobody likes. The trouble with unemployment is, the moment you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.
Wall Street traders blasted the White House order to cut executive pay of CEOs whose companies got federal bailouts. They think it will cause a brain drain in America’s banking industry. Once there’s nobody around who can remember the combination to the vault, all the Gingko in the world won’t save the financial system.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.26.09

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