Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Dick Cheney gave a speech in Washington D.C. last week and accused President Obama of going soft on Afghanistan. The former vice president may be a little resentful. Dick Cheney has long confided to associates that he would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Florida topped the college football polls last week followed by Alabama, Texas and LSU. College football is a religion in the South. Last election all seventy-seven counties in Oklahoma voted for John McCain because Obama sounds too much like Go Bama.
The National Football League plans to air three games in a row on Thanksgiving Day. See it as a public service. The NFL wants to do all it can to keep relatives from talking to each other while there’s red wine and a carving knife on the table.
President Obama declared a national emergency to battle swine flu Saturday. He said he needed to take unprecedented steps to counter the emerging pandemic. This allows the Health Secretary to shut down Fox News to keep people from being infected.
White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel attempted to ban Fox News from a White House press pool interview Thursday. The guy is a tiger. He’s been called nasty, mean, temperamental and foul-mouthed, and that was just his mother bragging about him.
A Northwest flight caused a national scare Wednesday by going to radio silence and overshooting its landing site by a hundred and fifty miles. For forty-five minutes the nation held its breath. These stunts to get a reality show are getting out of hand.
The White House situation room monitored the Northwest Airliner which overshot Minneapolis by a hundred and fifty miles. The pilots were off radio and no one knew where the plane was going. The government was standing by and ready to move the president to a third-grade classroom where he could read to children during the attack.
President Obama demanded Friday that banks begin making loans to creditworthy people. He’s back to community organizing. He defines creditworthy as anyone who wants to get a house loan to open a brothel to employ hard-working immigrant children.
The Justice Department raided the Mexican drug cartel La Familia Tuesday which netted tons of meth and cocaine and pot. The gang maintains its popularity in Mexico by only selling meth to Americans. Selling meth to Mexicans would destroy their nation’s proudest tradition of taking off a couple of hours every afternoon for a nap.
Somali pirates began operating again in the Gulf of Aden Thursday. They seize huge ransoms from manufacturers, insurers and oil companies but pay no income taxes. They could win the Nobel Peace Prize for bridging the partisan divide in Washington.
L.A. Dodgers owner Frank McCourt fired his wife Jamie as CEO, citing inappropriate conduct with a subordinate. There’s a reason why so many people are having sex at the office. They’re afraid if they leave the office for even six minutes they’ll be fired.
Senate Democrats attached a gay hate crimes bill to a defense bill Friday to get it passed. It’s a federal crime to attack someone for their sexual orientation. However gays still can’t get married in forty-five states unless it’s to Liza Minnelli.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.27.09

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