Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Arrested Development star David Cross admitted he snorted coke at a table near President Obama at the Correspondents Dinner. That’s how high the fear level is in the comedy business today. Comedians would rather do lines near Obama than on Obama.
The N.Y. Yankees make their fortieth appearance in Major League Baseball’s World Series tonight. It may be their last. The Pay Czar ruled that starting in January no one in New York is allowed to make more than two hundred thousand dollars per year.
The St. Louis Cardinals made news Sunday announcing they have hired Mark McGwire to be the Cardinals new hitting instructor. He’ll be a great hitting coach. Too often they hit a vein when to generate real slugging power, you need to hit an artery.
Major League Baseball analyst Steve Phillips was fired by ESPN Monday when his twenty-two-year-old office mistress went public with their affair. The network’s policy is very strict on this subject. Office sex is only allowed in beer commercials.
Heisman Trophy winner Sam Bradford ended his college career Sunday so surgeons can fix his shoulder. He passed up fifty million NFL dollars to play another year at Oklahoma. He could only have lost more money if he had bought condos in Las Vegas.
Fidel Castro’s sister Juanita admitted in Miami Tuesday she worked for the CIA and spied on Cuba in the Sixties. She got upset when Fidel seized private property. Now that the Democrats have taken over Washington D.C., she’s a woman without a country.
Osama bin Laden’s former wife just wrote a book about what Osama bin Laden was like as a husband and as a father. It’s a typical tell-all book. Why do ex-wives of celebrities always have to make the husband look like a pathological killer?
John Kerry left reporters cross-eyed Monday saying he understands the need for decisiveness and for caution in Afghanistan. He lost the presidential race when any idiot could have beaten President Bush, but John Kerry proved he’s not just any idiot.
President Obama tied President Bush’s record for playing golf in office Sunday with his 24th round in nine months. He’s so competitive. Last week when President Obama attacked Fox News he tied President Bush’s record for unnecessary wars.
President Obama commanded federal agents to stop pursuing pot-smoking patients in states which allow medical marijuana. He has virtually legalized pot. It’s not exactly the Let’s Roll order that the U.S. commanders in Afghanistan were hoping to hear.
The University of Chicago disclosed it would someday like to be home to Barack Obama’s future presidential library. The president was a professor at the Chicago Law School for a dozen years. He taught the How to Get Around Constitutional Law class.
Barney Frank said Monday his House Financial Services Committee is working on a bill to set up death panels for banks, which could seize their assets and wipe out shareholders. He’s destabilizing the financial markets. This shows the damage that gay men can do if you don’t let them get married, become priests or go into the army.
Northwest Airlines pilots who overflew the Minneapolis Airport revealed Monday they were on their laptops when they should have been landing. There were no passenger complaints about the delay. Luckily for the pilots the plane had just left San Diego, and between October and June nobody is in a hurry to land in Minneapolis.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.28.09

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