argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The New York Yankees hosted the Philadelphia Phillies in the World Series which began Wednesday. The two cities aren’t alike at all. The most popular sandwich in Philadelphia is the cheesesteak, and in New York it’s David Letterman and two staffers.
Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt fired his wife Jamie, saying she had an inappropriate relationship with a subordinate. It’s believed she put her lover on the payroll in a phony job. The Dodgers are the only team whose ballboy wore an ascot.
President Obama declared an emergency because of the rapid spread of swine flu Saturday. The spread is partly his fault. He tells everybody to sneeze into their elbow and then he comes out to Hollywood every two weeks to rub elbows with the stars.
The FAA revoked the licenses of the two Northwest Airlines pilots who overshot Minneapolis by a hundred and fifty miles last week. It happened at midnight. If Minneapolis had any nightlife at all the pilots might have seen the place from the air.
Chicago began offering cash bounties to people who turn in businesses that don’t pay local taxes. The snitches will get a percentage of the tax money the city recovers. If they can spend it on the bottom of Lake Michigan more power to them.
The Church of Scientology was found guilty of fraud by France’s high court and fined a million dollars Tuesday. Their reputation has been going downhill in France. Tom Cruise couldn’t have picked a worse time to play a Nazi officer in his latest movie.
President Obama embraced a House bill Tuesday that gives the U.S. government the power to break up any firm it thinks is too big and dangerous. It could backfire on Democrats. This time next year there could be six little Fox Newses with six times as many beautiful newscasters covering the Secession Tea Parties from coast to coast.
State Department diplomat Matthew Hoh resigned Tuesday to protest what he felt was a rudderless Afghanistan policy. He said there is no clear mission. President Obama accepted his letter with regret and will decide within the month when he will read it.
The World Health Organiza-tion’s 10-year study linked cellphone usage to brain cancer Tuesday. It’s a useless organ anyway. The government is taking over all our decision-making and there’s nothing on television but reality shows and car chases.
Sarah Palin filed a financial disclosure form Tuesday saying she was paid a book advance of over one million dollars by the publishers of her autobiography Going Rogue. It’s really changed her life. She can now see Switzerland from her house.
The New York Post said Monday doctors from India are considering closing their practices in America and returning to India due to uncertainty over health care. It’s for the best. Why should you put your life in the hands of a doctor who believes in reincarnation when a good old American doctor will make sure you live to pay the bill.
Steve Phillips entered a rehab Monday after ESPN fired him over his adulterous office affair. He went to a rehab ten years ago after multiple office affairs. The workplace has gotten so hot Office Depot is now selling desks with headboards on them.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.29.09

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