Argus Hamilton
Posted: Monday, November 2, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody? New York officials announced plans Wednesday to remove three hundred and fifty thousand telephone booths from the streets due to cell phone use. Phone booths will become extinct. From now on, Superman may have to change clothes in a Radio Shack. The USS Ramage accidentally fired three shots from a machine gun into a Polish port Friday while the destroyer was docked. This should settle the argument over whether the U.S. government is turning communist or fascist. We’ve just attacked Poland. President Obama signed an order ending a travel ban on HIV-positive people last week. He seemed tense. Barack Obama has been in a foul mood ever since that beer commercial came on TV featuring the Most Interesting Man in the World, and it wasn’t him. The Pentagon recommended holding detainees in Charleston as they await trial for trying to overthrow the U.S. government. It’s to make them feel at home. Charleston has statues in the town square honoring men who tried to overthrow the U.S. government. President Obama held his seventh Afghan strategy meeting, and photos showed him with eight of his top aides seated around a White House conference table. You could see they were near a decision. Their eyes were closed and their hands were on the Ouija board. Hillary Clinton told the Pakistani people Thursday that they aren’t doing enough to go after al-Qaeda. Her visit to Pakistan was no accident. She wanted to make sure she was out of the country when health care reform got killed so she’d have an alibi. Nancy Pelosi trotted out a health care reform bill Thursday. It’s two thousand pages long. The first page states that the bill provides affordable health care for every American and the other nineteen hundred and ninety-nine pages list the exceptions. The House health care bill requires that vending machines display the calorie count of colas, snacks and food items. It’s the Puritan ethic at work. Young people can’t learn early enough in life that pleasure without shame isn’t really pleasure at all. GOP congressmen were quick to point out that the Democratic health care reform bill contained the end-of-life counseling provisions. The health care bill would pay doctors to encourage Medicare patients to sign do-not-resuscitate orders when they go into the hospital. Where does Jack Kevorkian go to get his reputation back? Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt stated in divorce papers that his wife Jamie had an adulterous affair with her driver. She and the driver went to Paris together in July. Early in any romance a woman thinks that her guy can drive on water. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 11.2.09
 Print
Argus Hamilton
|
