Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody? New York Yankee fans paid ticket scalpers twenty thousand a seat to watch Game Six Wednesday. The bonus checks cleared. If a bomb had fallen on that stadium every investment banker in New York would have been killed, for the second time in one year. ABC’s series V premiered Tuesday about a charismatic leader who comes from nowhere to charm American voters. He turns out to be a totalitarian space lizard who intends to eat them. Halfway through lunch the lizard dies belly-up from E. coli and swine flu. House Democrats said the health care reform bill is bogged down over the issues of abortion coverage, illegal immigration, and how to pay for it. These are unsolvable problems. They can’t even agree whether Jerusalem should be the capital of health care. White House adviser David Axelrod was interviewed by Bob Schieffer on CBS News’ Face the Nation Sunday. He explained why President Obama hasn’t yet made the decision on the war in Afghanistan, solved the vaccine shortage or fixed the economy. When he came into office he inherited an addiction to golf from the previous administration. The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition published research Thursday showing that women who drink moderate amounts of wine have healthier blood vessels. Wine works two ways for women. It raises their good cholesterol and lowers their standards. David Hasselhoff will do a reality show with his two daughters that focuses on his binge drinking at home. Picture the suspense. At the end of every episode he threatens to cut the girls out of the will if they don’t tell him where they hid the car keys. Shaquille O’Neal made his debut as a Cleveland Cavalier in Cleveland this past week. He also applied to be a deputy sheriff. How can the government say there’s no inflation when a man making thirty million dollars a year is forced to work two jobs? Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson were in China this week to play in a World Golf Championship tournament at a golf club in Shanghai. Chinese officials were anxious to meet with them. They hold trillions of dollars in shaky U.S. bonds and so does China. Australia opened an eight-hundred-mile-long golf course Monday that runs along the country’s south coast. The course is a par fourteen thousand. Now that the stimulus bill is subsidizing golf carts, there’s nothing left to restrain Republicans. Andre Agassi credited his first wife Brooke Shields for helping him to achieve self-acceptance. They stay in touch. Late last night Brooke Shields woke up and reached over and ran her fingers through Andre’s hair, and decided to give him a call. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg won a third term Tuesday by spending one hundred million of his own money. He spent thirty-five thousand dollars an hour for a one-dollar-a-year job. That’s how much people like to have good seats at the Yankees game. The Congressional Black Caucus said black Members are being targeted for ethics probes. If Republicans are in charge they can’t investigate because it’ll look racist, but with Democrats in charge they must investigate or they look soft on crime. The Congressional Black Caucus just asked Newt Gingrich if he’d like to be Speaker again. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 11.6.09

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