Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama went to Capitol Hill Saturday and pressured reluctant Democrats to vote for health care reform. He told them votes like this are the reason they went into public service. Actually, they went into public service for the health insurance benefits and they don’t want to lose their job.
Alex Rodriguez led the New York Yankees to World Series glory Wednesday. He shook off steroids, Madonna and strippers, and now he’s a winner. President Obama just asked Kate Hudson if she would sit in the situation room while he thinks about Afghanistan.
Michael Lohan secretly audiotaped a call he had with troubled daughter Lindsay Lohan Tuesday and then posted it online. He said he was trying to publicly pressure her to rehab. He almost got away with it but he tried to sell advertising on the web page.
Glenn Beck was rushed to a hospital with appendicitis Wednesday where surgeons removed his appendix. Two years ago Keith Olbermann had his appendix removed. God just about has his Useless Organs from Both Ends of the Spectrum Chess Set completed.
Mike Huckabee led the Gallup Poll of GOP presidential contenders Thursday. All the candidates have an inherent ceiling on their support. Huckabee’s a creationist, Romney is a Mormon, Palin is a punchline and Jeb Bush comes from a disreputable family.
President Obama decided to skip Monday’s celebration of the fall of the Berlin Wall. He’s going to China instead. You only get a visit from Barack Obama if you buy U.S. bonds, run for re-election in New Jersey, or need an extra guy to make a foursome.
GOP congressmen rallied with Tea Party activists on the Capitol steps Thursday to protest health care reform. The wind is at their back. Conservative momentum is so strong it could propel Texas Christian to the top of the BCS college football poll.
GOP Congressman John Boehner told the Tea Party rally Thursday the health care reform bill is the biggest threat to freedom he’s ever seen. Reaction was angry. Dick Cheney called him up and yelled at him that the weapons of mass destruction were real.
The Pentagon said an old priest and four senior citizens cut through two fences and got into a nuclear weapons site in Washington state. It was easy. When the guards saw a priest hanging out with people who were over the age of twelve, nobody suspected him.
Harvard announced Tuesday it will offer a course on HBO’s epic series The Wire for urban studies. It will school Ivy Leaguers on the devastation crack wreaks on the inner city. For the rest of their lives, they can say they saw a series about it.
The U.S. Senate voted to extend jobless benefits to the unemployed and to extend tax credits for home buyers. The lawmakers couldn’t pass it fast enough. The vote was unanimous, proving that handing out money to angry voters is the number-two form of self-defense in Washington D.C., after threatening to send the sex tape to TMZ.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.10.09

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