Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Hurricane Ida began approaching the Gulf Coast Monday. Everyone is bracing for the destruction. The governors mobilized the National Guard, the people packed sandbags and President Obama called for multicultural understanding of wind and water.
Major Nidal Malik Hasan was revealed Monday to have contacted Al-Qaeda before he killed thirteen U.S. soldiers and wounded dozens at Fort Hood Thursday. He jumped on a desk, shouted Allah Akbar and opened fire. The FBI is still looking for a motive.
Sgt. Kimberly Munley ended Major Hasan’s Fort Hood rampage Thursday. She faced him and shot him four times as he shot her in the leg. She’s buying a display case for the Medal of Valor and retaining a defense lawyer for the hate crimes prosecution.
President Obama went on radio Saturday and asked for multicultural understanding after the Fort Hood shooting rampage by Major Nidal Malik Hasan. The president urged Americans not to express hostility towards Muslims. Until the misunderstanding was straightened out, U.S. troops in Afghanistan spent eight hours attacking the French.
President Obama skipped going to Germany Monday for the twentieth anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. His heart wasn’t in it. The assignment called for someone who’s been a supporter of freedom and nobody’s enabled more freedom than Bill Clinton’s wife.
President Obama taped a speech to show to the crowd at the Berlin Wall gala Monday. He reminded the viewing audience he too made history as the first black president. The earth wobbled on its axis from the gravitational pull of three billion people rolling their eyes simultaneously.
U.S. Airways Captain Sully Sullenberger was named Grand Marshal of the Tournament of Roses Parade in Pasadena on New Year’s Day. The heroic airline pilot was a natural choice to headline the Rose Parade. You can’t even say the word float without thinking of him.
Wall Streeters threw confidential financial files out their skyscraper windows Friday during the New York Yankees parade. They had no idea there was a parade outside. They were just doing the weekly evidence dump before the SEC comes by on their rounds.
Iraq’s parliament Saturday scheduled an election in January to ratify U.S. troop withdrawal from Iraq. Don’t worry about voter intimidation. To ensure a one hundred percent turnout, they placed a referendum on the ballot to legalize same-sex marriage.
The Coast Guard seized five tons of cocaine in the Caribbean Friday worth over one hundred and thirty million dollars. The powder is worth three times what gold is worth by weight. It’s got G. Gordon Liddy rethinking his whole investment strategy.
The EPA announced Friday that U.S. cities enjoyed the most smog-free summer ever this year. It’s not healthy for everyone. Sixty-year-olds in Los Angeles were blinded this summer by staring at that yellow thing in the sky they’d never seen before.
The Beverly Hills Crown Plaza had a cougar convention last weekend where women in their forties exchanged tips on landing young men. It’s a status symbol. More and more older women in Beverly Hills are wearing letter jackets to church on Sundays.
Sesame Street celebrated its fortieth anniversary on PBS Tuesday with Michelle Obama guest-starring. You can tell the children’s show is funded with money from the government. The villain in every sketch is a soldier puppet named Private Enterprise.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.11.09

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