Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Minnesota Vikings with Brett Favre entered November as the NFL’s number-one draw in TV ratings. He’s a white Southern cotton farmer from Mississippi and his television ratings go up every week. President Obama’s starting to take it personally.
Bill Clinton and George W. Bush canceled their upcoming debate at New York’s Radio City Music Hall. It’s for the best. The dressing room for the Rockettes is just offstage, and you would have to hit Bill Clinton with a tranquilizer dart to drag him out of there.
Germany celebrated the twentieth anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall Monday. One thousand huge dominos fell over in sequence where the wall once stood. Americans thought they were watching the one-year anniversary of the fall of their retirement plans.
President Obama was hosting Indian chiefs at the White House when news of the Fort Hood shootings arrived. He began his remarks by flattering the last living war chief in the delegation. It was a wise move to prevent applause and cheers when he announced an attack on a U.S. fort in Texas.
The New York Yankees enjoyed a parade on Broadway on Friday before two million fans. There were no scandals this year. The Yankees won their twenty-seventh world title by returning to good old-fashioned baseball, the kind that’s played on amphetamines.
Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai agreed to a U.S. directive Monday to clean up the corruption in his cabinet. He promised there will be no corruption in his new administration. That’s why he’s keeping his old administration, to be on the safe side.
Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez threatened to conquer Colombia Monday. Colombia is the primary supplier of coffee and chocolate and cocaine to the U.S. If you think we are dependent on Middle East oil, wait until Hugo Chavez slaps us with a buzz embargo.
Sammy Sosa came to the Latin Grammys Saturday with his skin bleached white and wearing green contact lenses. There’s only one plausible explanation. This is the scene in Heaven Can Wait when Michael Jackson convinces the Boss that there’s been a mistake, and he comes back to earth in the body of somebody who’s been declared dead.
Bill Clinton addressed Senate Democrats Tuesday at their weekly caucus meeting. He was asked to answer questions about the history of health care reform. The senators wanted to know where the lifeboats are located and where the iceberg was last spotted.
Major Hasan’s fellow soldiers said they knew the Fort Hood shooter was radical but they were afraid they’d be accused of discrimination against Muslims if they reported him. Political correctness has now killed more people than swine flu. The Health Secretary just asked Muslims to sneeze into their elbows until further notice.
Fort Hood shooter Major Nidal Malik Hasan was an Army psychiatrist who flipped out and started killing people last week. The U.S. government paid for his medical school tuition, paid for his training, and certified him as a competent doctor. This latest foray into government health care is making everyone appreciate their HMO.
The U.S. Army said Monday Major Hasan will be tried in a military court and not by a Texas jury. Islam has enough martyrs. If a Texas jury got the case, for the next two thousand years Muslims would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks.
President Obama met with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu at the White House Monday. The leaders discussed Israel’s security, the problem of Iran, and Middle East peace talks. A comedian just needs ten minutes of material on the futility of Middle East peace talks and he will always have ten minutes of up-to-date material.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.12.09

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