Argus Hamilton 11.13.09

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Heathrow Airport police arrested a United pilot for trying to fly while drunk from London to Chicago. He could have killed everyone onboard. President Obama urged caution, saying we should not judge all drunks based on the actions of one pilot.
Inside Edition reported that Michelle Obama is descended from a slave owner on her father’s side. They said the president is descended from a slave owner on his mother’s side. This explains why they can’t stop watching Fox News and don’t know why.
The New York Post said Alex Rodriguez has paintings over his bed depicting him as a centaur. They show him as half man and half horse. It proves that when Alex took steroids he was also violating the rules of the Thoroughbred Breeders Association.
Michael Vick was allowed to keep $16 million in bonus money by the Federal Appeals Court. His previous team tried to rescind the money but the court ruled he had a valid contract. He only brutalized dogs, it’s not like he made mortgage loans.
USA Today whined Monday that USC, Oklahoma and Alabama’s football coaches make $4 million a year. They’re worth it. Professors will make that much money when people pay $100 a ticket to sit in the bleachers and watch a history test.
U.S. Army Chief of Staff George Casey refused to admit Sunday that the Fort Hood shooter was motivated by jihad. He’s afraid to make a comment criticizing a Muslim for murdering U.S. soldiers on U.S. soil. General Casey hopes to own an NFL team someday.
Fort Hood shooter Major Hasan’s radical views came to light Monday. The FBI knew about him, the CIA knew about him, and the warning signs were everywhere. It didn’t help when Barack Obama came to the memorial service and read My Pet Goat to the crowd.
President Obama called Major Hasan’s rampage incomprehensible Tuesday. Plenty of people knew about him but no one did anything. After basic training, officers go to NBA referee school to learn when to blow the whistle and when to let them play.
Major Hasan was found to have e-mailed al-Qaeda cleric Anwar al-Awlaki 20 times. The imam is considered a rock star among jihadists. Anybody can drive a car into a building but not everybody can smash a guitar on the hood while they’re doing it.
Iraq’s government banned the sale of alcohol in Baghdad’s Green Zone last week, completing a nationwide prohibition. Six years ago Iraq was the only Muslim country that allowed alcohol. No one ever considered the possibility that we invaded Iraq because President Bush was resentful that Saddam Hussein could drink and he couldn’t.
Sarah Palin begins her book tour Monday to promote her memoir, “Going Rogue.” The book has been very lucrative for the GOP star. She’s collected a $1 1/2 million from the publisher and another $2 million from Tina Fey for the new material.
Miss California Carrie Prejean did talk shows Tuesday to explain a sex tape of her that’s on the Internet. She said it was a private tape she made for her boyfriend. To make sure it stays private she went on the Today Show and gave out the Web site address.
The White House was reported Tuesday to be dissuading Democratic pollsters and consultants from appearing on Fox News. The request was met with silence by the consultants. They’re willing to do anything for Barack Obama except turn down airtime.
———
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 11.13.09

Print