Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
South Carolina can’t place a cross on their state license plate after a Muslim group filed a suit and won in U.S. court Tuesday. Security was tight when the ruling was announced. Everyone was afraid the South Carolinians would shoot up the courtroom.
The Fort Hood shooting split Republicans and Democrats in Washington over how to label Major Nidal Hasan. If he was a terrorist it was Obama’s fault and if he was a crazy gunman it was God’s fault. So either way the head of the party gets the blame.
Major Hasan’s terrorist connections were uncovered just hours after he shot up Fort Hood. He was a mess. There were so many prescription drugs found in his home that a concert promotion company in Los Angeles wants to shoot a movie about his life.
The FBI found a large number of prescription drugs in the house of Fort Hood shooter Major Hasan Tuesday. This is bad. Now we have to sit through another entire list of possible side effects whenever a prescription drug’s advertised on television.
Columbia professor Lionel McIntyre punched a young woman in the face and gave her a black eye as they sat in a campus bar debating the issue of white privilege. He’s black and she’s white. President Obama wants to invite them to the White House for a beer but perhaps they shouldn’t have anything stronger than chocolate milk.
Los Angeles sheriffs apprehended a young woman Tuesday who was standing naked on a bridge above the Foothill Freeway. What a great place to live. Everywhere else people have to find out the temperature by driving by the electronic sign at the bank.
The U.S. Parks Service investigated the Secret Service when two of its VIP limos hit a pedestrian in Washington Tuesday. Message received. Now that the government owns General Motors they want to discourage people from walking and make everyone buy a car.
Chrysler issued a statement Monday vowing they’ll double the sale of Chryslers in the next five years. It’s a reachable goal. At the rate their car sales are falling it won’t be long before Chrysler can double their sales by selling another one.
Lindsey Graham was censured by Charleston Republicans for helping Democrats on a climate bill. They say the senator weakens the GOP brand. He’s in favor of compact fluorescent lights to save the planet, and compact fluorescent lights interfere with AM radio, and interfering with AM radio prevents the public from hearing Rush Limbaugh.
Somali pirates seized a cargo ship a thousand miles off the coast of Africa on Wednesday. These guys collect huge sums of money, pay no taxes on it and throw away every dime on drugs and women. In America, the estate tax prevents this kind of thing.
United Airlines fired a pilot Tuesday after he was arrested at London Heathrow Airport for trying to fly while drunk. No one was surprised. The pilot raised a red flag last week when he tried to land on the Hudson River while on approach to Phoenix.
NBC announced Wednesday that five of its prime-time programs are featuring green, pro-environmental messages in their scripts. It’s obvious that NBC’s parent company GE is trying to get stimulus money for the windmills they manufacture. If Jay Leno has to tell jokes only Al Gore would laugh at, don’t blame the ratings on him.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.16.09

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