Posted: Tuesday, November 17, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Los Angeles magazine reported that young singles in Southern California prefer Internet dating sites over singles bars as places to hook up. They’re fearless. The Internet is a place where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.
The Centers for Disease Control reported Thursday that twenty-two million Americans have contracted swine flu in the last six months. All public venues are taking precautions. Disneyland has given Sneezy so many shots he is now known as Lenny Bruce.
The FBI seized four mosques as well as a Manhattan skyscraper owned by Iran’s Alavi Foundation Thursday. It’s a high-stakes game we’re playing with Iran. The smart move would be to throw away the skyscraper and try for the flush.
The White House was slammed by Republicans for not spotting Major Nidal Hasan’s jihadism. Blame it on worship of diversity. There’s a growing nostalgia for the Bush Era, when diversity meant that we toppled governments of every ethnic background.
President Obama ordered an inventory of Army files kept on Major Nidal Hasan to find out who missed connecting the dots. He expressed radical Islamist views to co-workers, he e-mailed al-Qaeda clerics, and his business card had an acronym for Soldier of Allah. The on-hold music at the Pentagon now plays Asleep at the Wheel.
Bishop Tobin of Providence said Tuesday he may refuse communion to Congressman Patrick Kennedy over his support for abortion rights. It won’t work. History shows that if you cut the Kennedys off from wine they just turn to prescription drugs.
New York Yankees legend Billy Martin’s name was placed on the Baseball Hall of Fame ballot Tuesday. He greatly benefited from Truth in Advertising laws in the Seventies. They required that Miller Lite use real alcoholics in their TV commercials.
Sarah Palin kicked off her nationwide book tour by taping an appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show in Chicago. Her ambition is obvious to all. She’s trying to become the first celebrity to reach the best-seller list this year without a sex tape.
Carrie Prejean threatened to walk off Larry King’s show Thursday when he wouldn’t stop asking if her legal settlement with the Miss USA Pageant was affected by her sex tape. Viewers were shocked. No one’s ever seen Larry King ask a follow-up question.
Columbia professor Dr. Lionel McIntyre slugged a female school employee in the face in a campus bar last week while they were discussing the issue of white privilege. He’s black and she’s white. It’s a good sign that in the Obama Era people can sit down and share their feelings about race over a glass of wine and a knuckle sandwich.
Lou Dobbs resigned from CNN Wednesday, prompting joy among illegal alien rights groups. It’s resulted in a new holiday. Hispanics will celebrate Cinco de Mayo in May, Mexican Independence Day in September, and Lou Dobbs Resignation Day in November.
Harvard invited New York’s former governor Eliot Spitzer to speak at a seminar on Ethics in Public Life. It was his first public appearance since he resigned. He was honored for not going through the prostitute’s purse when she went to the bathroom.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 11.17.09