Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?
The New York Giants host the Dallas Cowboys Sunday in a battle of the National Football Conference’s two finest teams. Gamblers in Las Vegas are very nervous. With the writers on strike they don’t have any idea how the game is going to turn out.
John Daly just wrote a new book called “Golf My Own Damned Way.” He drinks and smokes and gambles and loses a wife a year. If John Daly had just spent a little more money on his video he would have won best new artist at the Country Music Awards.
Wall Street suffered a 370 point tumble in the Dow Jones industrial average Wednesday. It was a bloodbath. When the chairman of Merrill Lynch left the office early saying it was bridge night, no one knew if he meant cards or jumping.
Aqua Dots were recalled from toy stores across America Wednesday. If swallowed, a chemical in the dots turns into a date-rape drug. Hopefully it will get parents to tell their children to stop playing and get back onto the Internet where it’s safe.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy addressed a joint session of Congress at the Capitol Wednesday. He’s a bachelor with nuclear weapons and the finest pastry chefs on the planet earth. And you thought Paul McCartney could have any woman in the world.
Pakistan’s General Pervez Musharraf jailed opposition judges, suspended the constitution and canceled elections Monday. World pressure mounted on him to step down. President Bush called and asked if he ever thought about being attorney general.
President Bush called Pervez Musharraf Wednesday in an attempt to cool him off a bit. He urged the general to take off his uniform. The general not only refused to take off his uniform, he charged President Bush $3 a minute for the call.
Congress debated a bill on Wednesday to ban discrimination against homosexuals in the workplace. The bill’s backers were fighting the clock. They had to get the debate in while Pat Robertson and Rudy Giuliani were away on a quiet weekend together.
Pat Robertson shocked his evangelical followers on Wednesday by endorsing Rudy Giuliani. Rudy shocked his followers by accepting the endorsement. The last time there was this much shock in one place, 31 states switched to lethal injection.
The Senate opened a formal probe into televangelists Tuesday. The senators say televangelists are living in opulent luxury by preying on the poor and the sick. If they want to do that they’re going to have to run for office just like everybody else.
Kathleen Willey just wrote a book about her experience in the Oval Office with President Clinton. It affects her to this day. Every time she watches Addams Family re-runs and that hand comes out of the box, she runs screaming from the room.
Retired federal judge Michael Mukasey was narrowly approved by the Senate Judiciary Committee for Attorney General Tuesday. The judge is one tough customer. It took three long weeks but he finally agreed that confirmation hearings are torture.
AT&T technician Mark Klein turned whistleblower Wednesday and told NBC News his company was eavesdropping on domestic calls and e-mails for the White House. This explains why the Democrats won’t impeach Dick Cheney. If it’s a contest between the party of sexual freedom and the party that’s eavesdropping, the ears have it.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 11.08.07

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