argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama ignited a firestorm Saturday when he bowed low to the Emperor of Japan in Tokyo. Nobody’s ever seen an American president do this. President George W. Bush once bowed low to Arnold Palmer, but he swears he was just picking up his ball.
Lou Dobbs announced Tuesday he’s leaving CNN after thirty-nine years. He never stopped talking about illegal immigration and how it’s taking American jobs. Lou Dobbs will be replaced by a landscaper from Mexico who’ll read the news for five dollars an hour.
Sarah Palin was vilified in this week’s Newsweek, featuring her picture on the cover. The magazine airbrushed out a blue bar and star banner in the photo, which indicated she has a son in Iraq. The editors thought it was a variation of the Confederate flag.
Jenna Bush told Jay Leno last week the White House is haunted, saying she heard ghosts late at night in the living quarters. White House servants told her that presidents from previous centuries haunt the place. If one more ghost orders President Obama to run and fetch him a mint julep he’s moving across the street to the Mayflower.
President Obama answered questions from Chinese college kids Sunday which were carefully pre-selected by Chinese officials. They understand the importance of making sure everything’s completely scripted. It explains why the NBA is so popular in China.
The White House decided Friday to try Khalid Sheik Mohammed in U.S. court. Many say the Justice Department is trying to put the previous administration on trial for torture. Why else would they name Bush the American as an unindicted co-conspirator?
Senate Republicans objected Friday to World Trade Center attack plotter Khalid Sheik Muhammed being tried in a Manhattan court, saying it will give al-Qaeda a platform where they can spew their ideology. They don’t want it to spread. Public health officials are telling the bailiffs to make sure the defendants spew into their elbows.
Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez said Monday he will board planes and help seed clouds to try to get rain to fall on his drought-stricken country. He doesn’t understand the consequences. Seeding the clouds could get him arrested under the Pee Wee Herman Law.
Ft. Hood assassin Major Nidal Hasan was revealed Monday to have been a frequent customer of topless bars. So were the World Trade Center bombers. Part of al-Qaeda’s training is a post-hypnotic suggestion to flip out at the sight of a butterfly tattoo.
Bruce Springsteen walked on stage in Michigan Sunday and told the audience how great it is to be in Ohio. It’s sad to see Baby Boomers age onstage. Mick Jagger thinks that he’s with a different woman every night and he hasn’t cheated in two years.
Senator Dick Durbin announced Monday he wants terrorists to be transferred from Guantanamo Bay to an empty federal prison in Illinois. It’s a good fit. The Arabs haven’t won a war in a hundred years and according to FBI profilers, they’re Cubs fans.
Butterball drew protests Monday over the way turkeys are slaughtered for Thanksgiving dinner. It varies. Some farms wring their necks, while some farms run them through a shredder, while New Yorkers prefer to push them in front of a moving subway train.
NASA announced Thursday the Lunar Explorer discovered water on the moon in the form of ice amassed over billions of years. Scientists were jubilant. They found exactly what they were looking for, an excuse to fund NASA for the next twenty years.

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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.19.09

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