Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger volunteered to mediate the Writers Guild strike against movie and television studios on Friday. The studios won’t listen to the governor. They know perfectly well that actors only say what writers tell them to say.
Young Frankenstein opened on Broadway on Thursday. The critics say it’s not as funny as The Producers. Mel Brooks has nothing that can follow a singing, dancing, gay Hitler, mainly because Osama bin Laden refuses to sell his life’s story to a Jew.
Heather Mills McCartney parted company Friday with her lawyer and her publicist in her divorce war with Paul McCartney. His relationship with the one-legged model was doomed from the very start. He’s an old-time rock ‘n roller and she’s into hip-hop.
Conan O’Brien stayed out of sight Friday as a Roman Catholic priest was charged with stalking the comedian. The priest is from the Boston Archdiocese. NBC wanted a younger host for the Tonight Show and stuff like this just goes with the territory.
Michael Jackson was reported Friday to be close to losing his Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara to creditors. It’s been one headache after another. He lost his tax break on the mansion three years ago when his neighbors figured out it wasn’t a junior high.
Mitt Romney answered questions about Mormonism at Bob Jones University in South Carolina last week. It’s an ultra-conservative school. He received their endorsement after he placed his hand on top of a stack of Bibles and swore that he’s not Catholic.
Fred Thompson said Friday he thinks Social Security benefits for retirees should be cut. There’s a method to his madness. He thinks if he gets fired from running for president he can collect unemployment but if he quits he collects nothing.
Senator Barack Obama suggested Tuesday that Baby Boomers like Bill and Hillary Clinton are stuck in the contentious Sixties. He sees himself as a man ahead of his times. He’s already demanding that President Bush bring our troops home from Iran.
The Army admitted on Friday that it has spent two and one half billion dollars on a new helicopter with just one flaw. It’s not safe to fly in hot weather. Now the Pentagon is trying to install air conditioning in all the countries we plan to invade.
President Bush urged Pakistan’s General Musharraf to release jailed opposition leaders and hold elections. The White House worries that the crackdown in Pakistan is harming the War on Terror. Once again we just can’t figure out which side we’re on.
Pakistan’s dictator General Pervez Musharraf surrounded opposition leader Benazir Bhutto’s home with barbed wire on Friday and placed her under house arrest. She’s got a lot of sympathy in America. Nobody can sell anything in this real estate market.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel visited President Bush at his ranch Friday. He put on blue jeans and picked her up in his truck. The only reason we elected him was because we wanted a president who would put his pants on before he picks up women.
San Francisco Bay was swamped by a sixty thousand gallon oil spill on Thursday when a tanker ran aground in fog. Each barrel was worth a hundred dollars. People were jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge just so they could finally say they struck oil.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.12.07

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