Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Newsweek tried to ridicule Sarah Palin Monday by printing a cover photo of her looking sexy in shorts. It may backfire. We just elected a great looking celebrity who knows absolutely nothing about this country and don’t think we won’t do it again.
Tiger Woods hurled his golf club sky-high into the gallery after he hit a poor tee shot in the Australian Masters. Souvenir seekers lunged for it. Of course they are in Australia so the golf club circled the crowd and flew right back into his hand.
Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams made an obscene gesture to visiting fans from his owner’s box after Sunday’s game. He was fined. His actions sent the wrong message to children —that you can drink all you like and still live to be 86 years old.
Oklahoma reportedly received $17 million in stimulus money to train children to sing and dance in musicals. It’s all political. The White House thinks the only way that the Democrats can ever carry Oklahoma is to turn the population gay.
New York Gov. David Paterson ripped the White House Monday for its decision to bring Guantanamo terrorists to New York for trial. He said he’s worried it might make New York a target for terrorists. Some guys are always the last to get the word.
U.S. health officials issued a recommendation Monday that women shouldn’t have mammograms until they’re 50. It underlines the difference between the two parties. Whoever’s in the White House, Republicans drill for oil and Democrats examine breasts.
Somali pirates captured a North Korean chemical tanker off the coast of Africa Monday. The same day they received $3 million in ransom money and they released 36 hostages. Joe Biden said that should count as 36 jobs created.
President Obama walked through the Forbidden City in Beijing Tuesday. Chinese officials ordered everyone off the streets so he couldn’t work the crowds. If you wondered why we couldn’t beat these guys in Korea it’s because they think of everything.
President Obama was badgered on Tuesday by China officials who fear U.S. deficit spending will trigger massive inflation. It’s the same point Rush Limbaugh makes. With right-wing conservatives and left-wing communists on the same side of the issue, the GOP presidential ticket in three years is going to be Sarah Palin and Jane Fonda.
Sen. Robert F. Byrd became the longest serving member of Congress in history Tuesday. He’s been in Washington a long time. Sally Hemings’s descendants can claim Thomas Jefferson as their ancestor but they’re all dead ringers for Robert F. Byrd.
British soldiers in Afghanistan were advised Monday to buy off Taliban recruits with bags of gold. This is a proven method for winning allegiance. It worked on the Sunnis in Iraq, the autoworkers in Detroit and everybody ACORN registered to vote.
Fort Hood shooter Major Nidal Hasan was described Tuesday as a really good tipper at the local strip joint. He spent all his money on strippers and now he owes a fortune for medical expenses and defense lawyers. Next time he’s going to use a suicide backpack.
Libya’s Moammar Khadaffi placed a want ad in newspapers in Rome for 500 attractive women to show up at a hotel ballroom for money, and when they showed up he tried to convert them to Islam. He’s pitching a reality show called Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist. They should have seen this coming when he traveled to Italy in a balloon.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.20.09

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