Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama went on a tour of the Great Wall of China Thursday and visited the Forbidden City with Chinese leaders. The president’s visit had a clearly defined mission. He went to China to visit our money and try to negotiate its release.
Farrah Fawcett left Ryan O’Neal none of her five million dollars when her will was read Monday. She left it to the guy who quarterbacked the Texas Longhorns when she went to college there. In Texas that is the equivalent of leaving it to the church.
Somali pirates were repelled by the U.S. cargo ship Alabama on Tuesday. The crew used rifles instead of fire hoses. Anything named after the state of Alabama can’t turn the fire hoses on Somalis for fear of causing a national holiday for the pirates.
The U.S. Postal Service announced it lost four billion dollars last year despite laying off thousands. It can’t be helped. Until it’s legal to send pornography through the mail, the Postal Service will never be able to compete with the Internet.
GOP Senator Tom Coburn called Wednesday for the health care reform bill to be read on the U.S. Senate floor word-for-word in its two thousand page entirety. What a prankster. He made a bet with Robert F. Byrd that he would never live to see it pass.
The Department of Health issued a report saying women shouldn’t get mammograms until they are fifty. It’s arguable. It sounds heartless but we’ve seen how breast exams of younger women can cause false positives, unnecessary anxiety, and impeachment.
Joe Biden’s motorcade got into a car accident Tuesday en route to do the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. It was his second crash in two weeks. When he got home and told his wife that he’d killed again, she could only pray he was talking about the jokes.
Joe Biden flew to Las Vegas Monday where he was denied permission to play golf at a members-only country club. You can’t blame the club. If anyone who took TARP money was spotted by the administration in Las Vegas they could all go to prison.
Senate Republicans ripped Attorney General Eric Holder for trying Khalid Sheik Muhammed in civil court. It’ll take ten years. If Al Gore’s right, New York will be underwater by then and anything that the sheik says will be thrown out of court again.
Lindsey Graham noted Wednesday the detainees headed for civilian trials in New York weren’t read their rights, given legal counsel or habeus corpus. He’s right. By the time this is over we’ll be lucky if the defendants get fifteen yards for illegal use of airliner.
President Obama told NBC Wednesday Khalid Sheik Muhammed was tortured. He added he’s confident the defendant will be convicted and put to death. He may be confident, but medical experts will be standing by at the courthouse in case the judge needs Tommy John surgery from throwing out all the evidence.
Senator Dick Durbin called for the Guantanamo detainees to be moved to a empty federal prison in Illinois Tuesday, citing all the jobs that would be created by housing terrorists there. It just isn’t true. There’s always a lot of talk about the jobs created to rebuild skyscrapers but then nobody ever gets the plans approved.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.23.09

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