Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Pakistan troops defeated Taliban insurgents Wednesday and captured their towns on the Afghan border. The terrorists seemed eager and happy to surrender as they came running outside with their hands up. They think they won a free trip to New York.
Queen Elizabeth spoke to the House of Commons to open Parliament Thursday. The annual ceremony symbolizes liberty throughout the English-speaking world. The White House dismissed it as just another Astroturf protest against the change we need.
Hugh Hefner agreed to sell Playboy and give up control of the magazine for the first time since he founded it. This will change his life. Once you lose your power in Los Angeles to make people famous you’re pretty much stuck with women your own age.
The White House reported five thousand more layoffs nationwide Friday. Perhaps the worst is over. Joe Biden pointed out the unemployment rate among turkeys may be high today but the day after Thanksgiving there will be a lot more jobs per turkey.
Sarah Palin’s book tour came to Fort Bragg Monday, where the White House banned TV cameras to prevent any criticism of President Obama. The president is one fast learner. He wasn’t in China for two days and already he’s adopted their media strategy.
Attorney General Eric Holder was ripped in the Senate over his decision to try Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in civil court in New York. He said he didn’t consult President Obama. He’s trying to give the president cover in case things go horribly wrong, like for instance if the judge in New York decides to try the case under American law.
Israel began building new homes for Jews in East Jerusalem Friday, defying White House pressure. The president doesn’t get it. If Hawaii had ever conquered anything, perhaps the president would know a little more about the principle of finders-keepers.
The White House cut the Hanukkah party guest list in half Thursday from eight hundred to four hundred. They said kosher food is too expensive and they want to cut costs. Actually, the president is a ham and they’re only inviting rabbis who’ll certify him.
Hillary Clinton attended Afghan President Hamid Karzai’s swearing-in ceremony Thursday. We’re propping up a corrupt regime that survives on the heroin trade. The first step of health care reform is to secure the United States an adequate supply of painkillers.
Senate Democrats added a tax on cosmetic surgery in the health care bill. It’s timed perfectly to nail aging Baby Boomers. If they had taxed pot in the Sixties, coke in the Seventies and rehabs in the Eighties, this country would be solvent today.
Somali pirates were repelled by gunfire from the crew of the cargo ship Alabama Friday. They seized the same ship last year and several pirates wound up dead. The Alabama defense is a prime reason why they’re favored to end up in the BCS title game.
Al Gore’s new book Our Choice features a NASA photo of Earth on the cover that shows four hurricanes in the Gulf of Mexico. One’s on the equator where hurricanes don’t exist, one’s spinning the wrong direction, and Cuba doesn’t exist on the map. It’s the same Photoshop program they use to show the jobs created by the stimulus bill.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.24.09

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