Posted: Wednesday, November 25, 2009 5:50 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Thanksgiving Day travel was predicted to be heavy by the Auto Club as American families gather this week. It’s a tradition four centuries old. The first turkeys weren’t wild, they just went crazy when they found out what we planned to do with them.
President Obama’s job approval ratings fell below fifty percent after his Asia trip Friday. He didn’t realize that bowing to the Emperor of Japan would bother Americans. It’s incredible that he grew up in Honolulu and never noticed the big dent.
ACORN offices in Los Angeles were videotaped counseling an undercover journalist how to set up a prostitution ring with underage girls. The pressure’s really on. Roman Polanski could be extradited any day now and Los Angeles has to prepare his welcome home party.
Los Angeles cops vowed Friday to shut down rogue medical marijuana shops. They are supposed to be collectives but many are making a profit. Medical marijuana is legal under an Obama administration order but making a profit’s a shooting offense.
Senate Democrats proposed a tax on all plastic surgery procedures Friday. It’s the nation’s hobby. Last week a woman in Beverly Hills ordered her plastic surgeon to make her just like Jessica Simpson, so he gave her breast implants and a lobotomy.
Congress will probe how the Army missed signs of Major Nidal Hasan’s radicalism before he shot up Fort Hood. He preached terrorist doctrine and the Army didn’t kick him out. The Army needs to redefine jihad as gay behavior so this never happens again.
Attorney General Eric Holder addressed an Arab-American banquet in Detroit. He promised them they’ll never be profiled. He was speaking to an empty room because most of the crowd had not made it through the metal detectors and Geiger counters yet.
The House Armed Services Committee invited the Secretary of Defense and the Attorney General to testify next week about the decision to bring the 9-11 plotters to New York for trial. The Democrats were all on board until the phones started ringing. It took the people who were upset about the terror trials three days to get through because the phone lines were jammed by the people upset about the bow to the Emperor of Japan.
President Obama will pardon a Thanksgiving turkey on the White House lawn today. There’s a big fight over where they’re going to send the pardoned turkey to live out its final years. The Treasury Department and the Congress are full.
Sarah Palin told Fox News she thought Newsweek’s cover photo of her was sexist and cheesy. It was a break for her. They pictured her in short-shorts, which is sure to appeal to the crucial voter demographic of males between twenty-one and death.
Sarah Palin drew huge crowds to her book signings when she brought her tour to Michigan on Thursday. The lines outside extended six blocks from the book store marquee. It was a stroke of genius for Sarah Palin to change her name to Now Hiring.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 11.25.09