Argus Hamilton
Posted: Wednesday, December 2, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody? President Obama was shown in a photo with Michaela Salahi at a polo match five years ago. The beautiful blonde somehow got into the state dinner without an invite. Tiger Woods called the president and told him not to leave the golf clubs by the door. Florida cops investigated the car crash that ended up with Tiger Woods knocked out and his wife holding a golf club over him. They say no alcohol was involved. It’s a perfect chance for John Daly to step forward and point out that sobriety kills. Tiger Woods announced Monday he’s canceling his appearance at the charity golf tourney he sponsors in suburban Los Angeles. He explained in a prepared statement that he was injured. You don’t need to look at his MRI to see that he pulled a Clinton. The White House state dinner was crashed by a couple who went past three Secret Service checkpoints unimpeded. It’s a lesson for future presidents. Always start your tax increase ten thousand dollars above the salary of your Secret Service agents. House Committee Chairman Bennie Thompson invited Secret Service agents and the White House gate crashers to testify before the Homeland Security Committee. Presidential security has changed in the last year. They used to look in your eyes to see if you are a threat, now they look down your throat to see if you look contagious. The Dutch Reformed Church apologized to the Lenape Indians in Manhattan Friday for cheating them and buying Manhattan for twenty-four dollars. The Indians got a pretty good deal. Twenty-four dollars is more equity than there is in New York now. Iran announced Monday it will build ten more uranium enrichment plants, defying U.N. treaties. They don’t think the U.S. will hit them with harsh economic sanctions. They don’t realize how much President Obama enjoys bringing economies to a standstill. Iran and Cuba held war games to rehearse for a U.S. attack Friday. Excitement is building. Every decade the Make-A-Wish Foundation sets up a ramshackle country with a war with the United States so it can get lots of free stuff and a few happy memories. Prime Minister Gordon Brown told Pakistan to get moving and capture Osama bin Laden Monday, exactly as Hillary Clinton admonished Pakistan last month. President Obama can’t believe it. First his state dinner for India is spoiled by publicity hounds and now the Special Relationship with Britain is carrying on behind his back. The Oklahoma Sooners honored injured Heisman Trophy winner senior Sam Bradford Saturday. He turned down forty million dollars last spring to stay in Norman for his senior year. This gives you some idea of how much fun it is to go to school at OU. Florida honored Tim Tebow in his final game Saturday. He’s a Mormon missionary who’s a virgin and writes scripture on his eyeblack. This means that one day he’ll go into politics and be defeated for the GOP nomination by a womanizing fighter pilot. Rhode Island’s bishop banned Patrick Kennedy from communion for his pro-choice votes. The congressman’s fed up. Whether it’s a religious test or a breathalyzer test, someone’s always trying to cut off Patrick Kennedy’s wine intake when he fails it. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 12.02.09
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Argus Hamilton
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