Argus Hamilton on NWTNTODAY.COM

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Vanity Fair ran a poll saying Jack Kennedy’s the president most Americans want added to Mt. Rushmore. It shows the inevitability of history. Now we know even if Jack Kennedy hadn’t been shot Jackie would have eventually gotten him with a golf club. President Obama gave a speech Tuesday detailing how he plans to get out of Afghanistan. He pre-empted A Charlie Brown Christmas on ABC. It’ll air next week unless it’s pre-empted by Tiger Woods’s speech detailing how he plans to get out of the house. Tiger Woods was named as a lover by a Las Vegas waitress Monday. His wife will come out of this fine. By the time this is over Elin will have her name on a new line of golf clubs with the shafts bent exactly in the shape of her husband’s profile. Florida police cited Tiger Woods for careless driving Tuesday, however his wife Elin is not out of trouble for smashing the Escalade window with a golf club. The law’s clear. Cadillac is owned by the taxpayers and it’s a crime to deface U.S. currency. White House crasher Michaela Salahi was seen in photos with President Obama at a polo event five years ago, backstage at the inauguration, and at an awards dinner where Obama was honored. Comedians are thrilled. The last time we saw this many photos of the same woman near the president, we got two years of impeachment jokes out of it. President Obama ordered thirty thousand troops to Afghanistan. It’s ten thousand less than conservatives want and thirty thousand more than liberals want. It has to be the first time Rush Limbaugh and Jane Fonda hung out together on a picket line. Whittier College released a study last month saying testosterone makes men less generous and causes them to be stingy. The study was an irresponsible idea. They gave testosterone to college boys, which is a good way to set off a nuclear accident. Sarah Palin was chided by reporters Monday for pretending to take a bus on her book tour and actually flying between cities on a private Gulfstream jet. She’s still frugal. The rule on the plane is that they have to eat all the geese they kill. Mike Huckabee led a GOP poll of candidates in a Fox News poll Tuesday. He lost a hundred pounds under medical supervision. His doctor gave him a bottle of pills and told him to spill them on the floor three times a day and pick them up one-by-one. Lou Dobbs hinted he plans to run for the U.S. Senate seat in New Jersey now held by Bob Menendez. That’s not his real plan. Lou Dobbs doesn’t intend to run against Bob Menendez, he intends to have him deported and then claim the seat by Divine Right. President Obama gave a speech Tuesday giving a plan for the Afghan war. He’s got a strategy to get us out of this. He’s sending troops and he’s sending aircraft and he’s sending aid, and he’s naming the steepest ravine in the country Bush’s Fault. General Motors CEO Fritz Henderson resigned Tuesday under pressure from the board of directors. He will be replaced as head of GM by a former telephone company executive installed by the White House. Whenever the car goes under a bridge the motor will die. The Catholic Church in Rhode Island banned U.S. Congressman Patrick Kennedy from taking Holy Communion for his pro-choice votes. The churches in Los Angeles are a lot more laid back. We have a drive-in church called Jack-in-the-Pew where you shout your sins into the face of a plastic priest, then pick up a wafer at the second window. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 12.3.09