Argus Hamilton

 BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Tiger Woods apologized for his adultery Wednesday. He cheated on his wife with a mistress, cheated on the mistress with a waitress, then cheated on the waitress with the hostess. Nobody bought his original story that he signed the wrong scorecard. Tiger Woods was reported on CNBC to have offered Elin fifty-five million dollars to stay in the marriage for seven years and never tell her story. This might work out. It could put the spice back in the marriage if she takes money to sleep with him. Nike and Gatorade and Gillette backed Tiger Woods on Thursday. The endorsement contracts have a morals clause. It cancels the deal if he does something the company considers immoral like, for instance, if Tiger starts flipping houses they don’t have to pay him. L.A. waitress Jamiee Grubbs played a recorded message from Tiger Woods asking her to hide the affair. She’s a cocktail waitress and a receptionist at a medical marijuana store. That means she’s just a cocaine connection away from earning her masters in Los Angeles studies. Tiger Woods’s neighbors said both Tiger’s mother and his mother-in-law were in the house when he crashed. It won’t happen again. The NFL has agreed to air games next Thanksgiving until two in the morning to keep relatives from talking to each other. The White House refused Thursday to let Social Secretary Desiree Rogers testify to Congress about the state dinner crashers, citing executive privilege. It raised eyebrows. Traditionally executive privilege means you get to cheat on your wife with as many blondes as you can sneak into the White House without losing a golf club. President Obama sent more troops to Afghanistan thinking al-Qaeda is wintering in the Himalayas. To set up an al-Qaeda hideout, all you need is a studio apartment. If we want to stop al-Qaeda we need to pull out of Afghanistan and invade Studio City. The Interior Department allowed people to hunt prairie dogs again now that the population of ground squirrels has rebounded. It’s the same policy the Fed uses to set interest rates. As soon as things start to get better they shoot you in the head. Michelle Obama unveiled the White House Christmas decorations on Thursday. The decorations include a recycled cardboard wish tree for visitors to wish upon when they walk into the East Wing. It’s so authentic the homeless guy’s still living in it. Donald Trump urged President Obama Thursday to force U.S. banks to start loaning money again. Things are dire. The construction industry is so slow that Mexicans have gone home and now Lou Dobbs is calling for a crackdown on migrants from Oklahoma. The U.S. Senate continued its fierce debate on the health care bill Thursday. They passed an amendment which would require insurance companies to cover women’s health screenings, regardless of government recommendations. Democrats think that if the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing, there’s no witness to the groping. President Obama caught fury from Democrats Thursday over his Afghanistan policy and from Republicans on health care. He’s plummeting in the polls on the left and right. In only ten months Barack Obama has surpassed the Bay of Pigs on the list of the biggest mistakes the country’s ever made and Vietnam’s starting to hear footsteps. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. published in The Messenger 12.7.09

Print