Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The First Lady unveiled a huge gingerbread replica of the White House Thursday as a Christmas decoration. It’s so realistic. There’s even a hole in the security perimeter where the Secret Service is waving Hansel and Gretel through without a pass. Swedish golf star Jesper Parnevik said last week he regretted fixing up his children’s nanny Elin with Tiger Woods in the first place. The rules of golf are strict. You’re allowed to have 14 clubs in your bag, however you are not allowed to have a club hostess. Tiger Woods absolved his wife Elin of all wrongdoing Wednesday, saying she was blameless in their domestic spat. What choice does he have? If his wife goes to prison for attacking him with a golf club he’ll have to start paying a babysitter. Tiger Woods was overheard Thursday begging mistress Jamiee Grubbs to remove her name from her caller ID number. It was urgent. His wife scrolled through his list of callers and she refused to believe that Jamiee Grubbs was a luncheonette in Augusta. Elin Woods was reportedly holding a pitching wedge or a sand wedge when police found her standing over her bloodied husband. There’s a big difference between the two clubs. You use a pitching wedge to cut a lip and a sand wedge to crush a skull. Congress grilled Secret Service head Mark Sullivan over the White House dinner crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi. The agents did their jobs. For twenty years the Secret Service has kept presidents alive by never telling the First Lady’s staff whenever a blonde shows up at the gate that isn’t Judy Woodruff or Diane Sawyer. President Obama announced he’ll send thirty thousand U.S. troops to Afghanistan then bring them home in eighteen months. The Taliban and al-Qaeda must be annoyed. Knowing the exact date of the end of the war just means that everyone’s going to take their vacations at the same time and they’re all going to have to pay high-season prices. Junior Gotti walked free Monday after a New York jury deadlocked for the fourth time over his racketeering charges. Nobody on the jury wants to incur the wrath of the Mafia. It’s the only company that’s still hiring and will never leave New York. USA Today cited statistics Friday saying the percentage of Americans who smoke went up last year for the first time in fifteen years. It’s now a courtesy. Everyone is allowed to have one last cigarette before they open up their investment statement. President Obama hosted a jobs forum of labor leaders and academics Thursday. He didn’t invite the Chamber of Commerce but America’s businesses were there in spirit. They were under the heat lamps at all the carving stations during the luncheon buffet. Teheran prosecutors began investigating the death of a young Iranian physician who exposed prison abuse by Iran’s Revolutionary Guard. He died of poisoning after eating a delivery salad. It shows that Iran is on the verge of developing a crouton bomb. Senator Judd Gregg urged fellow GOP senators Thursday to use every procedural tactic available to them to block the health care reform bill from being passed. He said Americans are counting on them to be their voice. Democrats have a strategy as well, they’re running around the Capitol taking all the office phones off the hook. Congress voted Thursday to impose a forty-five percent tax on all estates over three million dollars. It just never ends. The only difference between death and taxes is that Congress can’t think of a way to make death any worse than it already is. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 12.08.09

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