Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Florida police issued an eyewitness report saying Tiger Woods was drinking alcohol the night of his wreck. He also had prescriptions for Ambien and Vicodin. Just add a car to this combination and it’s easier to crash than a White House state dinner.
Gatorade dropped plans Tuesday to market a Tiger Woods sports drink called Tiger Focus. It’s formulated to improve stamina and concentration. Instead of Tiger they’re going to hire Dave Letterman to endorse the drink and call it Pace Yourself.
Tiger Woods’s wife Elin Nordegren was reported Tuesday to have bought a home in Sweden and moved out of their Florida house. It couldn’t last forever. For years he did a great job of keeping her in line, no matter how many women were ahead of her.
Los Angeles got freezing rain Tuesday while blizzards hit the Midwest and snowstorms hit Houston and Dallas. Everybody’s freezing. People were outside running their car engines all night long just trying to get global warming started once again.
Tareq and Michaele Salahi said they would take the Fifth Amendment in Congress if ordered to testify about crashing the state dinner. Right now no one can reach them. They’re at the Global Climate Conference in Copenhagen posing as thunder clouds.
President Obama opted to fly to Scandinavia twice this month, making three trips there this fall. He went to Copenhagen to push for the Olympic bid, he’s going to Norway for the Nobel Prize, then he’s going back to Copenhagen for the climate summit. If the Vikings were still running the neighborhood they would arrest him for cruising.
The Global Climate Conference in Copenhagen banned Christmas trees from the conference hotel’s convention center on Monday. The Danes were afraid it might offend the Muslims. The most famous statue in Copenhagen now honors Hans Ecumenical Andersen.
Saudi Arabia demanded a probe of the hacked e-mails of climatologists showing global warming is a hoax. It’s natural for the Arabs to protect oil use. How would we if feel if a bunch of scientists accused devalued dollars of causing global warming?
Hawaii lifeguards spotted fifty-foot waves heading for the North Shore of Oahu Tuesday. It’s no secret what caused it. That morning when CBS canceled As the World Turns, the sudden stop caused the water to slosh out of the ocean and hit Hawaii.
The Centers for Disease Control in Washington D.C. blamed pet frogs in homes for this year’s salmonella poisoning outbreak. That’s how tough the economy is. People are buying frogs at pet stores and kissing them hoping they’ll turn into a job.
Iranian security forces zapped student protesters with stun guns Monday during pro-democracy marches at Teheran University. Each victim got a jarring shock from the tasers. Iran’s government operates on the democratic principle of one man one volt.
Senator Harry Reid caused a firestorm Monday by saying foes of health care reform would have backed slavery. The Civil War’s still a sore subject. There are fifteen states in the Union whose people choose to use Northern tissue for historical reasons.
President Obama on Monday proposed making it legal for the U.S. government to spend paid-back TARP money on jobs projects. The banks paid back all two hundred billion dollars and now the cash is just sitting there unspent. Already Las Vegas cocktail waitresses are lining up at the Treasury Department trying to catch Tim Geithner’s eye.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.10.09

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