Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Congressional Black Caucus ripped President Obama on Wednesday, complaining that he’s not paying enough attention to race. They’re just furious. They want the President of the United States to intervene and force Tiger Woods to see a black woman.
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford beat impeachment charges Wednesday. His opponents in the legislature couldn’t muster enough votes. He had a mistress in Argentina but because he had 10 less than Tiger he’s been named Nike’s new spokesman.
U.S. Congressman Joe Baca withdrew his bill to award Tiger Woods a Congressional Gold Medal Wednesday. It wasn’t a decision made lightly. Congress reviewed all the records for screwing people and decided they deserve to keep all the medals themselves.
Yahoo reported that the Tiger Woods scandal resulted in a huge boom for Web traffic at gossip sites. Nobody knows if these stories are credible. It’s well known that a lie can make it halfway around the world and back before Tiger can get his pants on.
Gatorade announced Tuesday it’s dropping its Tiger Woods sports drink called Tiger Focus. The name has taken on a negative association. To avoid the same problem the Detroit Tigers are going to change their name to the Michigan Tigers.
President Obama was given the Nobel Peace Prize in Oslo. He’s the first guy to win a peace prize the same week he sends troops overseas. They brought in a studio audience for his speech so they wouldn’t have to add a laugh track in post-production.
Germany made a deal with NATO allowing their troops to avoid fighting at night in Afghanistan. It doesn’t lessen their reputation. The German Army remains No. 1 in the BCS poll despite their last two losses, due to strength of schedule.
Sen. Harry Reid likened health care reform opponents to those who supports slavery and Sen. Barbara Mikulski compared health care reform opponents to Nazis. It’s an old story. Every year the Democrats have to hold two fundraisers just to cover the royalties they have to pay the Third Reich and the Confederacy for use as metaphors.
The White House leaked Monday that the EPA may rule business by command and control if Congress doesn’t act and pass the Cap and Trade bill. The businesses won’t stand for it. We may all choke on the dust cloud that’s kicked up when the American jobs heading south collide at the Mexico border with the cocaine coming north.
Indonesia unveiled a statue of Barack Obama as a boy at a park in Jakarta this week. It shows him as a 10-year-old smiling at a butterfly on his arm. One day when freedom comes to Indonesia the people will celebrate by pulling down this statue.
The Treasury Department admitted for the first time Wednesday losing $61 billion on AIG and auto bailouts. It was really a bad bet. Las Vegas hotels are sending a private plane to pick up Treasury Department officials and comp their rooms.
The White House angered Congress by invoking executive privilege to keep Social Secretary Desiree Rogers from testifying about the India state dinner crashers. They really need to tighten up security there. A spot check of a White House tour group Monday discovered two tourists wearing Klan robes as well as Osama bin Laden’s driver.
Senate Democrats pitched a public option alternative Tuesday. It allows everyone age 55 and oldr to buy into Medicare. Now they are waiting to hear what the CBO says it costs because no one’s ever heard the word quadrillion used in a sentence.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.11.09

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