By: Argus Hamilton
OKLAHOMA CITY -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Betty Ford Center held its twenty-fifth anniversary dinner on Saturday and saluted Betty Ford. They’re doing land-office business. The center just built two new dorms this year for people who are addicted to foreign oil and cheap immigrant labor.
Michael Jackson was reported Friday to be close to losing his Neverland Ranch. He’s deeply in debt from all the loans he took out on the house. He’s one of millions of Californians who lost his last chance at solvency when firefighters finished putting out the wildfires.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger offered to mediate the Writers Guild strike in Hollywood Friday as tension mounted. People walking by who saw the strikers march down the street all had the same question. Who wrote the picket signs?
Broadway’s stagehands’ union went on strike Saturday, closing all shows. It added to public misery with TV shows being in reruns due to the writers’ strike. By the time all these show business strikes end, half the country will be addicted to online poker.
Disneyland announced last week they will retrofit the boats on the It’s a Small World ride to hold today’s heavier passengers. They do a great job of keeping the park up to date and current. Tomorrowland has been turned into a scale model of Mexico City.
Mitt Romney passed religious muster at ultra-conservative Bob Jones University in South Carolina last week. It’s a different world there. At Bob Jones University they teach students that sex is a shameful and filthy act and you must save it for the one you love.
Pat Robertson stunned evangelicals by backing Rudy Giuliani last Tuesday. They make a nice couple. While they remain unalterably opposed to each other on religious and moral and political beliefs, they do agree on the need to bomb Iran and torture people.
Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa announced Thursday he will begin a probe of six televangelists. He wants to nail preachers who promise miracles to people in exchange for donations. Anyone who’s found guilty could get five to ten years as a registered lobbyist.
GOP candidate Ron Paul drew cheers on Saturday at a Veterans Day weekend rally in Philadelphia. He vowed to return to constitutional government as laid out by the Founding Fathers. Barack Obama has more at stake in this election than he thought.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign admitted planting a question for the candidate with an audience member in Iowa last week. It’s not the end of the world. If she doesn’t make it to the White House, Hillary can always host a show on the Food Network called Fudging the Facts.
President Bush declared Saturday he fully supports General Pervez Musharraf in Pakistan. He called the dictator’s brutal crackdown on political opponents last week a detour off the path to democracy. We’re dealing with a president who still says that trading Sammy Sosa was the biggest mistake he ever made.
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas dedicated a new mausoleum Saturday for the remains of the late PLO leader Yasser Arafat. Some things never change. It’s so dangerous in the Middle East that he still has to sleep in a different mausoleum every night.
Former President George H.W. Bush celebrated the re-opening of his presidential library at Texas A & M. It includes a replica of the Situation Room with interactive screens, so visitors can be engaged in the decisions of the first Persian Gulf War. Imagine how smart you’ll feel when you decide not to invade Baghdad like he did.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 11.13.07