Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama angered Norway Thursday by cutting his trip short and hurrying home to the U.S. The man’s got a job to do. If he falls more than three mistresses behind in the Tiger Woods soap opera he will be out of touch with the American people.
Yahoo said the Tiger Woods scandal is the best thing for web traffic since Michael Jackson’s death. It’s a foolproof mixture of fame, money, sex and Vicodin. Amtrak will be profitable if they can think of a way to put advertising next to a train wreck.
President Obama defended waging necessary wars Thursday during his Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech. It was pretty awkward. The peace prize was established by the inventor of dynamite, which explains why there’s no Nobel Prize for Consistency.
President Obama canceled lunch with Norway’s king and snubbed a kids’ welcoming event for him. Norway is furious. From now on if we want to sucker a country into declaring war on us, we are going to send President Obama to accept their hospitality.
President Obama thrilled conservatives with his defense of war during his Nobel Prize acceptance speech. It was accidental. Dick Cheney never won the peace prize but he had his speech written and loaded into one of the Teleprompters and ready to go.
ABC News named George Stephanopoulos the new host of Good Morning America when Diane Sawyer moves to ABC’s evening news. Invest in Max Factor. The only thing crueler than high-definition television is high-definition television at seven in the morning.
New York’s Rockefeller Center was bullied by ACLU lawyers Sunday into changing the name of The Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center to The Tree at Rockefeller Center. It’s to keep from offending Muslims. Next, to suck up to the Chinese they are going to scrape the name off the Statue of Liberty and rename it Lead-Free Barbie.
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was formally rebuked by the state legislature Wednesday. Lawmakers voted that he brought the state ridicule, disgrace, shame and dishonor. You can tell by these adjectives the states where dueling used to be legal.
African nations demanded at Copenhagen Friday that rich nations pay them money to comply with new carbon rules. They want three trillion dollars. At the rate we are printing it, that’s just enough to buy breakfast off the value menu at McDonald’s.
Los Angeles was hit by a vicious winter storm Friday marked by heavy rains and high surf. The forecast is mudslides. Northern Californians put chains on their tires this time of year while Southern Californians put seat belts on their recliners.
New York City police shot and killed a homeless guy in Times Square after they recognized him as a local con artist. The cops said he was trying to talk people into giving him money. For the first time ever Bernie Madoff is happy to be in prison.
The White House reported Sunday the U.S. is under threat of radical Islam attacks planned and executed by U.S. Muslims. Recent arrivals are being watched closely by the FBI. Illegal immigrants from Mexico feel like they went up a notch in the BCS rankings.
Tiger Woods was publicly advised by addiction experts to go to rehab at Sierra Tucson. He’s so competitive. Even when he took the twenty-question quiz to find out if he’s a sex addict he shot a perfect twenty and got an endorsement deal from Trojan.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.14.09

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