Posted: Tuesday, December 15, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The U.S. Senate debated Thursday whether to make it legal to import prescription drugs from Canada. It would save Americans a lot of money but not everyone cares. Men over fifty-five just want whatever Tiger’s taking and they’ll pay anything for it.
The New York Post reported Thursday that Elin Nordegren decided not to divorce Tiger Woods and stay together despite all the cheating and public humiliation. She almost killed her husband. Tiger’s just lucky that Charles Barkley is her swing coach.
President Obama gave a speech in Oslo Thursday while accepting the Nobel Peace Prize. It was some sight. The president spoke from a lectern next to seven people who were seated onstage, the five-member Nobel Committee and Tareq and Michaele Salahi.
President Obama accepted the Nobel Prize Thursday with the reverb turned up on the auditorium sound system. Is he delusional? Barack Obama may be the first black president but James Earl Jones is the voice of God and the job is never going to be open.
Majority Leader Harry Reid nearly canceled the Senate’s weekend session to attend a fundraiser in New Orleans for his Nevada re-election. That’s how bad the economy is in Nevada these days. There is more cash floating around in the hurricane wreckage.
Wall Street’s Goldman Sachs gave in to White House pressure and announced that thirty top executives will get no cash bonuses this year. New York’s governor protested, and he was right. Iowa sticks up for corn farmers, West Virginia sticks up for coal miners, Texas sticks up for oil drillers and New York should stick up for pickpockets.
Roman Polanski was released to house arrest at his Alpine chalet in Switzerland as he awaits extradition to California. It’s no picnic in there. The next night they had a prison riot when the butler tried to serve him white wine with steak.
Daily Variety reports that Hollywood movie studios broke the record for annual ticket sales at ten billion dollars. Movies transport you out of this world and into a different one. No wonder people will spend their last ten dollars on a ticket.
Pakistan seized five Muslim-American college boys waiting to get into al-Qaeda boot camps. They’d applied online to join al-Qaeda but were turned down. American students lag so far behind in chemistry and physics they can’t even get into al-Qaeda.
The Episcopal Church Diocese of Los Angeles elected a lesbian bishop Friday at its annual meeting. Reaction was angry but muted. Any church founded by Henry VIII can’t feel completely comfortable about judging anybody’s idea of traditional marriage.
Eliot Spitzer said he may run for New York state comptroller. He was caught hiring hookers because his wire transfers were detected by new Patriot Act surveillance. He was the only New Yorker paying his bills and it immediately drew federal suspicion.
Tiger Woods was caught by the tabloids picking up Orlando waitress Mindy Lawton and having sex in his car in a church parking lot. No wonder he got caught. When you’re carrying on like that it’s a really bad idea to give God your exact coordinates.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.15.09