Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Italy’s prime minister Silvio Berlusconi was clobbered in the face with a blunt object by an angry attacker Sunday. He’s the second womanizer this month to suffer a broken nose and smashed teeth. Bill Clinton has begun sleeping in a football helmet.
Tiger Woods took a break from the PGA Tour Monday to try to reconcile with his wife and rebuild his image. We’ve learned one thing. Tiger Woods is an even greater golfer than anyone could have imagined now that we know he never had time to practice.
Jack Nicklaus said Friday Tiger Woods will eventually figure things out and be forgiven by the public. How gracious. Until now Tiger’s goal was to break Jack’s record for most major career wins and Wilt Chamberlain’s record for most career sacks.
The U.S. Senate argued over adding the costs of preventative care to the health care reform bill. One Democrat wants insurance to cover gym memberships. Fitness nuts are going to feel really stupid someday lying in a hospital and dying of nothing.
Tony Blair told BBC News Sunday he doesn’t regret toppling Saddam Hussein even though he had no weapons of mass destruction, because Saddam was a bad actor. It doesn’t seem fair. Even bad actors are entitled to stunt doubles for the hanging scene.
President Obama told CBS News Sunday he’s angry over the security breach at the White House party three weeks ago. It’s a shame the state dinner was overshadowed. India’s prime minister was in town to receive America’s highest honor, a reality show.
President Obama met with bankers Monday to see if the banks have the liquidity to make loans and get the economy rolling. Now’s a good time. For most Americans today liquidity means wetting your pants when you open your retirement fund statement.
President Obama lashed out Sunday at what he called fat cat bankers on Wall Street. He wants banks to loosen up credit. Every day he gets letters from hard-working entrepreneurs who are trying to get a loan to open a brothel before Christmas.
President Obama’s approval rating among white voters fell to thirty-seven percent Monday. It looks bad. He’s in so much trouble that he offered the White House Counsel’s job to Johnnie Cochran and was panic-stricken when he found out he is dead.
Al Gore was in Copenhagen Monday where he quoted scientists who said polar ice will vanish in five years. Copenhagen is having its coldest December in history. If the scientists were all that smart they would have scheduled the conference in August.
Canada’s National Post newspaper in Toronto called Thursday for an international one-child policy to save the planet, copying the Chinese. China does not want their one-child policy to spread to other countries. They’ve got a toy business to support.
The EPA is seeking the power to regulate water quality on ponds on private lands. They want to be able to regulate every pond as if it were drinking water. Ranchers are going to be forced to serve wine to migrating geese just to keep them from testifying.
The House passed a spending bill Friday that would legalize medical marijuana in Washington D.C. This is a budget-buster in the long run. Marijuana can grow everywhere and Congress will have to pay everyone not to grow it to keep the price up.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.16.09

Print