Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The MacArthur Foundation said Monday American life expectancy has increased by eight years due to medical advances. No wonder Social Security’s bankrupt. America is the first country that makes you work until you’re sixty-five and then pays you to watch Law and Order reruns until you can’t remember whether you’ve seen them or not.
Tiger Woods registered a fifty-five point approval rating plunge in the Gallup Poll Tuesday with women especially outraged. Sixty-seven percent of all women in America said they’re disappointed in him. Each of them thought they were the only one.
The New York Times said Tuesday that Dr. Anthony Galea who treated Tiger Woods in Florida was arrested in Canada for smuggling human growth hormone and other performance-enhancing drugs. Now Tiger’s in trouble with Anglo-Saxons. That’s cheating.
Boeing test-flew its new passenger Dreamliner made out of super-light material Tuesday which promises huge gains in gas mileage. It’s still a fuel hog. The plane is several thousand pounds overweight and it doesn’t even have any Americans on it yet.
The White House announced Guantanamo terror suspects will be moved to Illinois Tuesday. How shrewd. Offering terrorists food, shelter and a Caribbean climate has failed to obtain actionable intelligence but a Chicago winter will make anybody crack.
The White House was reported breached by two Georgia tourists who were allowed into a breakfast. That’s twice in a month. The White House hasn’t been this porous since Hillary installed a doggie door ten years ago so Bill coud come and go at night.
President Obama pushed a Cash for Caulkers plan at a Home Depot Tuesday to get homeowners to winterize their doors and windows. This won’t happen. The banks are much too busy holding off the government to go around caulking all the homes they own.
California banned the sale of certain big-screen TVs because of their energy use. Some environmentalists think they’re good for the earth. Every time the earth shakes in Los Angeles a flat-screen TV falls off the wall and creates another one-child family.
The Midwest suffered deadly car crashes at intersections Monday due to the new energy efficient traffic signals. The bulbs don’t burn hot enough to melt the snow so no one can see them in a storm. Al Gore has now killed more people than swine flu.
The Gene Autry Museum opened an exhibit that showcases gay cowboys in American frontier life. It shouldn’t be news. For twenty years Americans watched Gunsmoke and Bonanza and never asked why the girlfriends always die at the end of the episodes.
The Princess and the Frog came out Friday as the first animated movie starring a black girl in the romantic lead. It won’t change anything. Betty and Veronica just held a press conference to say they slept with Tiger Woods during the Riverdale Open.
Senate Democrats agreed to drop the public option from health care Tuesday. It can’t pass the Senate with a public option in it and it can’t pass the House with a public option out of it. Somewhere James Madison just collected a bet from Karl Marx.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.17.09

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